2018 - Reversing the Retreat

There's a well-known parable about the frog that gets cooked in a pot because the water warms so slowly that it never realizes how much danger it's in.  It happens to the best of us, when we gain weight, or stop exercising, or start drinking too much.  It's hard to examine your own behavior, but sometimes there are moments, little things that make you sit up and realize "Oh, wait a second."

Anybody who knows me at all well knows that I have never been a wallflower.  I've never been the kind to keep his opinion to himself.  I've been loud; in person, on social media, at work.  When I see something, I say something.  I've never been afraid of my own opinions.  I've also, though, always had anxiety issues.  I've always been afraid of other people; reluctant to make friends, to expose my feelings.  For a while, in San Francisco, I fought this trend through meditation and yoga, to get the anxiety under control.

Recently, I've realized that I'm scared, and depressed.  I'm not enjoying the things that I used to enjoy.  And at the center of this is that I'm just retreating away from people.  I'm retreating because I'm scared of what they might say or do, I'm retreating because so many bad things have happened.  I've lost my dreams, especially the ones that involved other people.  I dreamed of starting a documentary, of opening a yoga studio.  But now I hide in my apartment, and watch YouTube videos about people playing video games.   And, to be honest, I've been drinking a bit more than I probably should (no, not *that* much; just a bit too much).  But mostly I've just stopped interacting with other people.  This really came to a head in San Diego where I often would go weeks without seeing anyone except the people I worked with, and occasionally my roommate.

And so, much like the frog, it's time to stop, before I cook in my own juices.  I have plenty of reasons to be afraid.  My brother's cancer isn't going anywhere.  My job probably isn't coming back.  I'll still have bad relationships.  My parents are still crazy.  But none of that is helped by just hiding in my apartment.  For one thing, that just isn't *me*.  Recently I went back to Austin to go to a wedding and the topic of what we were like as kids came up and I was telling people that when I was little I was the life of the party.  My first word was "see", and I loved running around pointing things out to everybody, tugging on pant legs and demanding attention.  That's who I am, not this craven timid thing that's emerged.  It's ridiculous for me to be sad about my life; I'm healthy, I'm white, I'm rich (by most people's standards) - I have every advantage and nothing to complain about.

So, I'm saying this here, publicly: I want to re-engage with you.  Whoever you are, and however you enter my life.  I want to have the hard conversations - with my brother, with people I'm dating, with roommates and new jobs and people I run into on the street.  And I want to rediscover my dreams; finish that app I always meant to finish, find that new job, write that video game, take that bike ride.  But mostly, I want to get out there and meet people; old people, new people, any people.

If you know me, and maybe we haven't talked in a while, feel free to hit me up.  I do want to see you and talk to you, I promise.

2018 - The One I Wrote About Guns

Martin, 14 year old who just got shot in Florida.

I’ve been reluctant to wade into this topic.  It takes a lot of energy to engage in debate around this.  The level of psychic energy that surrounds this topic is incredibly intense.  There’s some real fear, on both sides, that fuels an unhelpful debate.  And it is so easy to just be dogmatic and judgmental, both of which are things I just don’t want in my life.  I’m not here - in general - to tell people what to do or how to feel.

But.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I might have kids some day.  And, when that kid looks up into my smiling face, and asks me, “Daddy, what do you think about guns?”, I want them to know how I felt, and how I’ve always felt.  Because my feelings about guns haven’t changed much over the years.  I have what I think to be a fairly moderate attitude about them, born of association with people on all sides and an understanding of the behavioral science behind the issue.

First of all, let me just get this out of the way: I, personally, do not want a gun.  I will never shoot a gun.  I do not want to be around when guns are fired unless it is some kind of terrible emergency.  I don’t want them in any house I own or apartment I rent.  I especially don’t want them to be around anyone I care about, and especially, especially children.  I don’t see them ever being a part of my life and I’m completely comfortable with that.  That’s not a rational or scientific feeling, mostly, it’s a “gut check”.  I just don’t want them.

Having said that, there are a lot of things that I don’t want in my life, and that doesn’t mean that *nobody* should want those things.  I also don’t want a knife, or a tractor, or even a power saw.  But power saws are super useful. In fact, I want *somebody* to have a power saw, because I want the things that power saws can make, like a house.  But I want the person who owns that saw to know what they’re doing, and hopefully have a license or whatever.  I don’t need to hold it in my own hand to see the benefit.

So, yeah, you want to own a gun?  That’s cool.  I hope you stay safe.  I’d love it if you took a test, first.  And maybe you should be 21.  And, like, do you need to own 47 of them?  Could we stick to 3 or 4?  And, like, can we just use the “least gun for the job”?  I mean, do you need to kill 15 people all at once?  Also, please don’t bring it to my house.  Or my kid’s school.  If that’s cool.  Thanks.  (Sorry, forgot one more thing: don’t shoot anybody unless they’re literally about to kill you.  OK?)

Now, *truth* is a slippery thing.  The closer we look at it, the more it dissolves sometimes.  For example, people say the Earth is round.  Well, sorta?  I mean actually it’s kind of angular if you look really close, with mountains and buildings and such.  And what does “round” mean, anyway?  It’s not a precise mathematical term.  You mean, because it isn’t straight?  Well, what does straight mean?  Even “straight” is not really precise.

And yet - if you are in a job interview with me, and you tell me you think the Earth is flat, the interview is over.

There are different kinds of opinions.  Some opinions I wholeheartedly agree with (“rape is bad”).  Some I generally agree with (“The Patriots cheated in the Super Bowl”).  Some I generally disagree with but would be happy to debate (“McDonalds makes lousy food”).  But then there are opinions that I would call “unhelpful”.  They are opinions that, if you hold them, I don’t know how to relate to you.  I’m not sure where to go.  If you hold that opinion, I personally will come to the conclusion that it is not useful or helpful for me to communicate with you.

And, “I think a 19 year old should be able to buy an AR-15” is one of those.  In this day and age, it is right up there with “The Earth is flat”, or “women can’t do math” or “It rains when the rain god is angry”.  It’s not something I want to debate anymore.  I don’t want to spend that energy.  If you hold that attitude, my main goal is not to re-educate you but to isolate you, like a chemical spill, so you can’t cause any damage.  The fact that people with that attitude hold any sway or power in our society is a sad commentary on our times that future historians will regard as barbaric and a bizarre anomaly.

I only hope I live long enough to see rational attitudes win the day.

2018 - The Starman

I think even the luckiest among us would admit that this has been a weird kind of year.  A sort of “ex-girlfriend-just-unfriended-you-on-Facebook” kind of year, where you aren’t even sure what to think of some things.  A mixed bag, and no less for me than for anybody else.  And I might want to write about that, at some point - maybe even later in this post - but what I want to write about right now is what I saw last night, and how that made me feel.  Because what I saw was inspirational, and maybe even more so to me than to most people.  A quintessentially “Adam-y” moment, in some ways, that hit me harder than I think I thought it would.  It wasn’t something that I was expecting or had been anticipating.  I don’t even remember how I knew it was happening, nor was I really planning on turning in into it until I saw it happen.  But once I saw it, I watched it over and over and over.  I stared at the same YouTube video, slack jawed, for 3 hours.

I’m talking, of course, about the launch and recovery of the Spacex “Falcon Heavy” rocket launch system.  The bare facts are these: SpaceX - a private company - launched their heaviest rocket yet.  They launched it successfully, the first try, and managed to fly a payload, consisting mostly of Elon Musk’s own personal sports car, directly into an orbit which will take it out past Mars to the asteroid belt.  *Then*, as if that wasn’t enough, they turned two of the three boosters around and *landed* them - flawlessly, and in tandem - upright on small launch pads.

There are so many things that were perfect about this.  Getting real employees to narrate the show - people with obvious gleams of joy in their eyes.  Playing David Bowie over the car loudspeakers.  The synchronized landings.  The press conference, afterwards, where Elon talked about how it was the most amazing thing he’d ever seen, and looked like a kid who’d won the lottery.  The “Don’t Panic” sign on the dash  (Hitchhiker’s Guide, for those who don’t know).  Stephen Colbert put it best when he said that Elon was “King Nerd”.

For some reason, I found this all terribly moving.  Laugh, if you like.  I think it’s because - for one brief shining moment - I felt two things: 1) that things might be all right, after all, and 2) that it was OK to be *me*.  For one moment, I felt a kinship to this man.  Elon and I are not all that different.  Sure, he is way way more successful and awesome than I am.  But it’s sorta like if you’re a second string quarterback for a high school football team and you watch that Eagles quarterback catch the pass in the Super Bowl.  You might be very different, but you are both quarterbacks.  Elon and I, we are both nerds.  We are both white, male nerds.  We like Douglas Adams.  We stutter at news conferences.  We smile and chuckle at the slightly wrong time.  We’re both divorced.

Sometimes, as I’ve grown older, I’ve felt like a bit of a loser.  I feel like more should have happened.  Sometimes.  Most of the time, I feel OK.  But - real talk - this was a tough year in a lot of ways.  Watching that team of people land those rockets on those pads - well, it felt like maybe the more optimistic of the science fiction writers that I like to read - like Jack McDevitt - well, they might be *right*.  Everything might not be perfect, but neither are we heading towards some kind of apocalypse.  We may actually - *I* may actually - get to go into space, or to the moon.  Maybe not - but my odds, you must admit, went way way up.  I read he wants to use the rockets to fly people from New York to Shanghai in 45 minutes, with a view of the curvature of the earth along the way.  I’m in.

I particularly liked this quote from him - “It’s silly, and fun.  But silly and fun things are important.”  He was talking, of course, about flying a David Bowie car into orbit.  Silly and fun things *are* important.  It *means* something to me that, when we had the chance, humanity put a mannequin in a red sports car into orbit and played David Bowie accompanied by a quote from Douglas Adams.  It matters to me that now, this time we live in isn’t just the Shitty Trump Era, but it’s also the Fly Cars Into Space Era.  That means something.  It matters that this man achieved this - with us, on behalf of us, for himself but also for us.  He didn’t do it to be nice.  He didn’t do it because he’s a great guy.  He just did it because that’s what it means to be human - we do things.  It’s especially what it means to be an engineer - and make no mistake, he still is one - and a nerd.  We *do* things.  We *get things done*.  And it’s *fun*.  It’s *good*.  It matters, and it’s OK to be proud of.  Not everybody likes Elon Musk.  It would be a serious mistake to think it’s all been fun and games for him.  He was mercilessly bullied as a child.  His divorce was a messy disaster.  His kids are a mixed bag.  As rich and awesome as he is, he has good days and bad days, I assure you.  He has a reputation for yelling at people sometimes.  He cares too much, and then not enough.  He probably even has days where he thinks he’s shit.  Even now.  Because that, too, is what it’s like to be human.

But - and this is the thing - as broken and stupid as we meat sacks can be sometimes, sometimes we also form a 7,000 person team and fly a goddamn rocket 120 miles into space and then land it on a pad the size of a large house.  Two of them.  At the same time.

My favorite video of his - of SpaceX’s - the one I’ll show my kid, if I get around to having one, when they get old enough - is their “blooper reel”, entitled “How Not To Land An Orbital Booster”.  Set to Monty Python music, it is a compilation of all the times they failed.  15-odd videos of rockets blowing up.  And they’re *proud* of it.  They made a video about it, spent time and money showing you all the times that they screwed up, laughing at themselves, and the human condition.  It’s *funny*.  If you laugh, the failure doesn’t hurt you.  It only hurts if you let it.

I don’t worship Elon Musk.  I don’t envy him, even.  If I met him, I’d want to chat about orbital boosters.  We’d have a fun time shooting the shit about old Saturday morning cartoons, maybe, until he got too busy and then I’d just shake his hand, wish him well and go on about my day.  I don’t need to be like him because I *already am like him*.  He’s just harder working, luckier, and more focused.  I will do great things too, fun things, because that is just what I do.  Maybe I’ll get lucky, and everything will be awesome.  Maybe I won’t, and it won’t.  But I won’t stop making stuff - *we* won’t stop making stuff.  We *will* go to Mars, and we *will* cure cancer, and I will write some new video games, and take new pictures, and go on new bike rides.  And I will do those things - we will do those things - because that is what we do, like fish swimming or a bear riding a bicycle - it’s what we do.  Already, in the news conference, people were asking about when we go to Mars, and Musk was like, “hey, you know, we gotta do this thing first, then this other thing, but yeah, maybe 3 or 4 years, a few more maybe”.  And hell it might end up being 20, but some way, some how, this guy is gonna do it, and then other people will do it, and then maybe, someday, I, or my kids, or both of us, will walk on Mars.

And that makes me proud to be me.

2017 - Life Goals - Building my own Bike

Today I finished my latest project - building out my own bicycle.  Technically, I didn't build my own bike of course, because I started with my old frame.  But I stripped it down completely and replaced all the components including the whole drive train, and (with one small exception) I did it all myself.  For a long time now, I've wanted to learn more about bike maintenance - for lots of reasons, but not least of which is that, when I volunteer with Bike the US for MS, it's fun (and useful) to be able to help other people with their bikes.  And there were some pieces, like installing a rear derailleur or changing cranks, that I wasn't too familiar with.  But I am now!  Huge thanks to the El Camino Bike Shop, and in particular Ernie, who entertained my amateur questions and was really patient and kind.  He also did the one part that I decided was a little too obscure to bother with, which was changing the bottom bracket (you need specialized tools that I would never use again, and it's not something you would ever do in the middle of a trip).  Also big thanks to Mike, who sold me 95% of the parts off one of his old bike and gave me a great "friends and family" discount.  I got the whole thing done, including a new rear wheel, for about $900 (some of which went towards tools that I can use again).  That probably sounds like a lot, but this is top of the line Ultegra DI2 electronic shifting gear that should last me a long, long time.  It would have cost a lot more to buy it retail and have a shop install it - probably about $2000 total, and I wouldn't have walked away with knowledge or the tools.

It feels really good to accomplish a longer-term goal like this, and I learned a ton about bike maintenance.  

On to the next goal!

2017 - Fitness #6 - Life Goals (184.7 lbs)

Hooray!  So, when I moved to Encinitas, I set myself a series of goals.  One at a time, I wanted to improve my overall fitness and health.  Goal #1 was to take off some of the weight that I put on this summer on the bike.  I was probably about 205 at the time; my first weight-in was about 200 pounds.  I set a goal of getting down to 185; my "fighting weight" is probably closer to 180 but I thought this would make a good approachable first goal.  And yesterday I did it!  Granted, it's a bit misleading because I only weighed that after a run; I'll know I'm really set when I get 3 consecutive weigh-ins at that weight.  But I'm celebrating early!  I know some good things are happening too because I can see them.

I don't need to tell you, dear reader, how important goals are.  To succeed we need a sense of self-empowerment, and nothing does that better than setting goals and achieving them.  I like a system I learned in Business school called SMART - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-Bound.

I already have a next goal in mind, but I'm keeping it a secret until I achieve it!  Onward and upward!

2017 - Crater Lake, OR

For 10+ years, ever since I thought about visiting Oregon, I've been wanting to see Crater Lake, and this week, along with my friend Justice, I finally did!  We were granted some amazing weather - beautiful sunshine, a layer of white puffy snow on the ground, warm temperatures.  The drive up took about 6 hours from Portland and we camped out in the woods in her car and generally had an amazing time.  We rented some cross country skis but decided not to use them and instead just hiked to Discovery Point and up Gregory Peak.  I'd love to say that I had some grand epiphany but really it was just a very physical and sensory smorgasbord of beauty.  I guess I wasn't in the right mental place for any kind of transformation, but that's OK.  It was a place that will remain in my mind and likely express itself creatively later.  The island in the middle - Wizard Island - was particularly compelling, representing that place we all wanted to run away to as children; remote, inaccessible, yet so close you could almost touch it.  

One unexpected extra bonus was a hot springs on the way back called Umpqua Hot Springs.  When it's cold you look for warmth, and the springs were quite popular, and deservedly so; an easy hike off Highway 58 and very warm and pleasant.

On the drive back we had a bit of an adventure; while I was driving, we ran over some piece of construction equipment or something and cut a foot-long gash in her gas tank, which was just as terrifying as it sounds.  Of course we didn't know what was happening; just a bang and then a slow loss of power to the car, followed by a tow truck at 1 am and some anxious moments of smelling gas (like when the tow truck driver went to start the car and I had to stop him - there's gas everywhere, buddy).  But all is well in the end.

2017 - Fitness #5 - So Many Yogas

Today, I am in Portland, OR, where I took a Hatha Yoga class at Roseway Yoga, in NE Portland.  Yesterday, I was in Encinitas, CA, where I took a Yoga Sculpt class at Core Power Yoga.  You will notice that both of these classes have the word "Yoga" in common.  What you may also have guessed by now is that the word "Yoga" is just about the only thing those two classes did share.  Roseway Yoga is a cute, homey little place nestled into a quirky little commercial real estate center in NE Portland.  When I opened the door - I was early - there were two women there shepherding a few pre-teens around.  One of them turned their back to me and I realized she had a baby on her back, but she was too young for it to be hers.  They were having a conversation with the precocious preteen about whether the baby was too young to fit on the back of a bicycle.  There was a pillow over on the handmade table that was covered in hand drawings of womens' breasts.  Handmade curtains were tacked to the ceiling.  The class was slow and upbeat.  We had 5 minutes of Savasana.  We sang Om.  The Core Power Yoga is also in a commercial space; a strip mall with not quite enough parking.  There were 20-25 students.  The room was heated.  The guy who led the class was in his early 20s and was obviously a bodybuilder.  All the men had their shirts off.  We used weights.  I collapsed in a heap about 35 minutes in after they asked me to do jumping jacks for 60 seconds.  I struggled out of class and into the men's bathroom, which was enormous and had lockers and showers and modern tile.  (The bathroom at Roseway had a single home toilet, no showers, no lockers - I don't think they're needed).

Are these things both yoga?  What is yoga?  Who gets to do yoga?  Who runs yoga, anyway?

Do I think these are both yoga?  I do.  Why?  Because they both represent, to me, the yogic way.  What is the yoga way?  Well, it's tempting to say that you know it when you see it.  But I think we can do better than that.  Yoga is a state of mind.  Much like you can be a Republican from Alaska or a Democrat from California and still say you're an American, Yoga is big enough to hold multitudes.  Core Power may jump and spin, but they still start and end with silence.  They still focus on the connection between mind and body.  And Roseway may run by the skin of their teeth, but they still move through poses with control and poise.  In both cases, I felt that my mind and body came closer together.  Yesterday I needed that enthusiasm and strength; today I needed that sense of community and warmth.

2017 - Useful, and Seen

It seems a bit absurd, as I sit here in my paradise of a home in Encinitas, CA, to write about the tragedy that happened yesterday in Las Vegas.  And yet, it seems equally absurd to not write about it, as if to pretend that it didn’t happen.  Certainly it seems absurd to write about anything else.  And so, in this space, I’ll put together my thoughts about what happened and why.  And I think as good a place as any is to start with something I heard on the radio, a quote from the Mayor of Las Vegas, who - understandably - described the shooter, the gunman, as a “crazed lunatic” with “hate in his heart”.  The thing is, I wish I could believe that.  I wish I could believe it was just a nutso; just a nut job whose neurons simply fired in an inexplicable pattern.  It would be nice to just say this was some crazy person because that implies that it’s not something we're likely to see again, and not something we need to understand.  To label it that way means it’s not something we have to deal with or pull apart.  But I don’t think I believe that.  By all accounts, this man was never in trouble with the law.  He had no history of violence or of psychological problems.  His brother, who knows him best, says he would send his mother overly large boxes of cookies on her birthday.  When I think about this man, the mental picture I get is of an old white guy.  Maybe - and I suspect this is the case - a lonely old white guy.  A rich, lonely old white guy with very little to do.  Maybe he reads too much on the internet.  Maybe he gambles too much.  Maybe he drinks once in a while.

Thing is, most mornings I go to this McDonalds around the corner from me in sunny Encinitas, and if I’m there, at the right time, there’s a bunch of guys that sit at a big table and talk about the issues of the day - mostly politics.  And of course I overhear what they say.  Now, I don’t think any of these guys is going to go shoot up a country music concert.  But then, that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?  Nobody thought this guy was going to do that, either.  Nothing these guys talk about is all that “crazy”.  Nobody says anything about shooting the president.  But what I do hear, often, is a sense of separation from the world.  They seem lonely, more than anything.  Lonely, and confused, and a little bit lost.  Unsure what the world particularly wants of them.  Many of them, I suspect, used to be very powerful.  Encinitas is a wealthy community, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were CEOs, or lawyers, or doctors.

The Beatles said that “All You Need Is Love”.  But I think, as I get older, that I disagree.  Or, maybe, that I have a new definition of love.  See, I think what most people need is two things: to be seen, and to be useful.  Seen, and Useful.  Useful and Seen.  To be Seen is to be understood.  It doesn’t mean to be agreed with, or to be coddled.  To be Seen can mean to be challenged, to be pushed, to be disagreed with.  But being Seen means that somebody, somewhere, is aware of your existence, of who you are, and values the fact that you exist.  Often, the people that disagree with us the most are the best at Seeing us, because of course to disagree with someone you have to know what they believe.  To be Unseen is to be treated like we don’t matter.  The great tragedy of getting old is not that we are unloved, necessarily, it’s that we are Unseen.  We don’t exist.  And then, there is being Useful.  To be Useful is to feel like you matter.  To feel that there is a reason you are here.  It doesn’t mean you have to be Useful by making money, or by building something; it means that someone, somewhere, cares that you exist and would be worse off if you didn’t.  My vision of hell is not a place filled with fire; it’s a place filled with indifference.  It is the curse of the Ghost from the Alistar Sims version of A Christmas Carol; doomed to walk the earth invisible, unable to help those we love.

I’m guessing, here, because obviously I don’t know this man.  But I’d venture to say that when we come to understand him, one thing we’ll find is that he felt Unseen, and Unuseful.  Invisible and/or impotent.  Now, please understand: that is no excuse for taking up automatic weapons and shooting 400 innocent people.  Nor is it a free pass for sensible gun laws.  Clearly the Internet has a role here as well in preying on people who feel lonely.  But jail, and gun laws, and censorship and the like will do nothing if we don’t solve the underlying disease, which is the lack of human connection, and especially the lack of human connection to the elderly.  And - and let’s be honest here - the lack of human connection between men.  Especially older men, but increasingly men of all ages.

2017 - Fitness #4 - Circuit Training Gyms (Lowest Weight 192.0)

Last week, while I was in San Francisco, I had the chance to swing by one of my favorite gyms, a place I miss and used to go often while I was there.  It's run by 24 Hour Fitness, but it's unique among all 24 Hour Fitness gyms I've ever been to (and I've been to a lot of them).  It's a concept they introduced about 10 years ago called Fit Lite.  It was designed to compete with Curves and similar gyms and never really took off, and I believe (to my knowledge) they've closed or modified all of them except this one in Noe Valley.  The gym is nothing special to look at; it's quite small.  But then, that's part of the magic, in my opinion: nothing to distract you.  There is a small set of cardio machines, designed explicitly for warmups instead of a full cardio workout.  Then there is a series of about 20 machines/stations.  Anywhere who's been to a Planet Fitness or Curves or other similar gym knows what I'm talking about: an ordered set of machines that you use each for a small amount of time (in this case 60 seconds).  The idea is that you generally fit the whole workout into about 30 minutes.  There are many advantages to this method: it was designed for busy people, and also for people (like myself) who feel confused and/or intimidated by weight training.  The machines are simple and there is no cognitive confusion: just sit at machine #1, and get up when you're done.

There are some disadvantages to this approach, of course.  First of all, while this style of circuit training does a much better job of muscle confusion than your average workout, it still has the drawback that at the end of the day the circuit is the same each time, which means that, unless the gym is clever enough to change up the machines, you will eventually adapt.  It also can breed a false sense of accomplishment.  Generally, when I circuit train in this way, I don't really workout all that hard.  By myself, in that setting, I often don't push myself and instead do the same workout over and over.  So I wouldn't say circuit training is a panacea.  But, if you - like me - are more of a cardio guy, and if you can't get to a weight class but want at least some weight training, I think it's a great place to start.

2017 - RideCabin

Last night/this morning, I had an interesting and unique (to me) experience.  I rode a sleeper bus, from SF to LA.  It's a new startup called Cabin, and they are trying to introduce a new way to get between these two cities.  It's a bus that's designed for sleeping, with tiny sleeping capsules instead of seats.  It's a high-end experience, complete with fancy sheets, melatonin bottles, leather seats, an attendant that makes you coffee in the morning, etc.  The idea is that you just go to sleep at 11 pm in one city and wake up at 7 am in the morning in the other one.

So, the big questions: number one, did I sleep?  Well, sort of.  I went in and out of sleep.  The motion of the bus is soothing, as anyone with a child knows, except when it isn't.   The bus is big and heavy, and when it goes over certain bumps, you feel it, and sometimes I think it woke me up.  It took me about an hour to go to sleep, and then I woke up 3 or 4 times throughout the night.  I did, however, sleep, and I woke up feeling fairly good and refreshed.  Not the best night of sleep I ever had, but certainly better than any sleep I've ever gotten on a plane.  Which really brings me to question two, which is: would I do it again?  And the answer here is "Yes".  I would.  The thing is, you have to compare it to the other options.  You want to get from LA to SF.  First of all, you could drive.  Bad news, in my opinion.  First there's wear and tear, and gas.  Then, you won't sleep of course (at least I hope not).  And, when you get there, you have to park someplace.  Of course, in some situations it's the best option.  If you have stuff to carry, and if you need a car when you get there, and you have to be flexible with when you leave, then that makes sense.  Another choice, of course, is to fly.  Flying seems good, but for anyone who's done it, it really isn't.  Yes, the flight itself is only 45 minutes, but by the time you drive to the airport, find parking, pay for parking, take the parking shuttle, get through security, wait at the gate, fly, get off the plane, find your luggage, and then take a shuttle/train to where you're going, it can be many hours.  On the way out, I woke up at 3 am to get a 7am flight that was a bit late and landed at 8:30am and I got into SF at about 9:15.  That's over 6 hours, and it was stressful, and at no point at all did I sleep.  The third option is to take a cheaper "normal" bus.  That's a good option in many ways: cheap, flexible schedule, luggage is easy.  But it really only works if you can sleep on a bus - and I can't.  I just don't sleep well sitting up.

So, when you think about it, if you were going to get a hotel anyway, this isn't a bad deal.  It's $115 one way.  The bus itself is nice and clean.  The bathroom is sub-standard and it definitely feels cramped but, yeah, at the end of the day, you get there, it's stress-free, and you even get at least *some* sleep.  So yeah, I would do it again.

2017 - San Francisco, CA

Here I am back in San Francisco again, this time for the weekend, to visit my brother (who's doing reasonably well, by the way).  One thing I really noticed this trip, having been gone for a while, is this interesting irony: despite being the hub for the digital revolution in the United States (and arguably the world), SF is a stubbornly old-world kind of place.  On a concrete level, many technologies I've come to take for granted in suburban Southern California simply don't exist up here.  The 24 Hour Fitness doesn't have a machine to dry your swimsuit.  The McDonald's doesn't have the displays to order food.  Starbucks doesn't have power outlets, and the table I'm sitting at, while it has the "powermat" wireless chargers, doesn't have them plugged in.  BART tickets still come on paper.  Many smaller stores take cash only.  Etc., etc.  It's a strange mix of very forward thinking and stubbornly rooted in the past.  Much of SF is still a melange of different ethnic areas, such as Japantown, near where I'm staying, which is very, very old school.  As more and more younger people flee the city because of the high price of housing, I wonder whether this trend will accelerate even more.  Many of the ethnic enclaves have, for various reasons, been resistant to the price increases.  Partly they work together as a community to keep rent and costs low.  Partly, the people there have nowhere else to go, so they suffer the increases.  But for those who are mobile and have no roots here, there's no reason not to leave, and take their technology with them; and so they are.  Even my brother is considering moving.  I don't know what that means for SF, but it will be curious to watch.

2017 - Fitness #3 - Stress

One issue that has seen a lot of attention in recent years is stress; specifically, how bad it is for you.  Now, I don’t think anyone has ever thought stress was *good* for you, but the last 10 years have brought increased awareness of just how bad it can be.  A short list of issues might include headaches, lack of sleep, difficulty recovering from illness, and weight gain.  So it’s no surprise that poor athletic performance might get added to that list.  Now, of all the things that cortisol (the stress or “fight or flight” hormone) does to you, the one *good* thing it does is provide a short-term boost to certain kinds of athletic performance.  That’s the fight or flight part; in theory, you can outrun a tiger, lift a car off your baby, that sort of thing.  That’s why sometimes athletes “get up” for big games.  But most of the effects of stress - even for athletes - are bad.  Cortisol is like a payday loan; you borrow against your future athletic performance at a really high rate of interest.  If and when you can’t pay back that “stress loan”, you can spiral further and further into an athletic performance deficit.  Now, the good news is that exercise also is a good way of getting out the stress spiral.  Exercise can “burn off” stress, enable better sleep, and just get your mind off things.  So if you’re stressed, by all means keep exercising.  But if your goal is peak athletic performance, managing your stress level has to be one of the tools in your toolbox, right next to nutrition and sleep.  This is one of the reasons why choosing workouts you actually enjoy is important; we have enough stress in our lives, who needs it at the gym?  Certainly I don’t.  Over the last few days, I’ve had occasion to really notice stress and its impact on athletic performance in my own life.  My job has been very stressful the last week or so as the result of a few bad decisions made by my coworkers, and that stress has started to spill over into the exercise studio.  The other day I showed up for a spin class and I could barely even get through the set; my mind was elsewhere, and so was my body.  I could almost *feel* the disconnect between my muscles, nerves and the intention centers of my brain.  Again, exercise can help with this problem, but best not to have it in the first place.  Of course, the issue is: how to avoid stress?  Well, that’s a tough one, of course; living an intentional life, nutrition, sleep, meditation, all are good practices.  I’ll have more to say about each of these topics later.  For the moment, it suffices to add one more reason to avoid stress: your athletic performance.

2017 - Fitness #2 - Heart Rate Based Training

Something I made reference to in my first post that I want to expand on a bit further is the concept of heart rate based training, sometimes referred to as heart rate training or heart rate interval training, although the last is slightly misleading because not all heart rate training is interval based.  Put simply, heart rate based training is exactly what it sounds like: using your heart rate to control your training.  People have been doing some flavor of heart rate based training for many years, but recently there has been a resurgence, because of cheap and popular wearable tech that can tell you your heart rate easily and quickly (and sometimes even accurately!).  Sometimes people get a bit too hung up on the "heart rate" part.  A better word for what we're doing might be "biofeedback training", because really it isn't the heart rate, it's the feedback loop based on concrete, observable biological behavior of the human body.  Why is this important?  Well, because the human brain is a really bad observer of our own biological processes.  Yes, of course, we know when we're exercising, and we know when we are sweating or breathing hard.  But that information is really inaccurate.  Early forms of this kind of training used something called RPE, which is still popular with some trainers, and particularly in settings where monitoring equipment isn't available.  RPE is just an acronym for Rated Perceived Exertion, which is a fancy way of saying "try to observe how hard you're working".  Athletes assign themselves a number from 1 to 10.  What does 1 mean?  Well, that's left intentionally a bit vague because every body is different.   8 or 9 should be "short of breath".  That kind of thing.  Some people use the "sentence word syllable" method, where how hard you are working is measured by how much of an answer you can give if somebody asks you a question.  All of these methods are trying to get at a core concept: detecting how hard your body is working, so that we can use that information to design a workout that meets certain needs.  For example, if you want to build cardio capacity, intervals of certain lengths that push you into the "red zone" for certain amounts of time can do this.  But to really get this kind of training right, the data should be accurate, and scales like RPE can only take us so far.  What we want to know is how hard the body is working, and one of the best ways to tell that is to use heart rate.  Heart rate is, of course, individual to some extent.  Your age, gender, fitness level and genetic factors can tweak what's considered a "high heart rate".  But this rate is fairly stable from day to day (although it can change slightly as you get in better shape), which makes it easy to measure your personal "resting" and "working really hard" heart rate, and then use those numbers to control your intervals.  This is what Cycology and other studios like it do; they measure your rate (either by just guessing based on your age and gender, or by actually putting you through some tests) and use that to create "heart rate bands", such as green for 60-70% of max, or red for 90-100% of (safe) max heart rate.  Then they design workouts around asking you to work hard enough (typically by adjusting resistance on the bike) to "hit the orange zone" or "stay in the green".  That way, each person can get the individual workout that fits their body best.  To do this, of course, we need heart rate monitoring equipment, some wireless tech and a bit of snazzy setup; but in the last few years, this has become accessible and popular enough that you can ask folks to wear these heart rate monitors (or, like me, bring their own) and they will do it.

There are two main types of heart rate monitor and I've used both.  The first, and most accurate, is worn around the chest and detects electrical impulses from the heart.  They have been around forever, and they can be very accurate when worn correctly.  Problem is, they often aren't worn correctly, and for some people (like me) they just feel really uncomfortable.  So, the second kind which is growing in popularity is wrist-mounted sensors.  These have many advantages; they are small, easy to use and comfy.  And the best ones, when worn correctly, are fairly accurate.  But they have a tendency to "drop out".  They rely on comparing the color of your skin as blood flows past (yes! really!) , and sometimes they just sorta don't catch up for a bit.  Even at the best of times, they have some lag, because the software has built in error correction which uses consecutive measurements to try to soften the data.  So, for now, if you want the best, you gotta stick with the chest.

I find heart rate based training enormously useful for myself.  Often, I will think I am "working harder", but a quick glance at my wrist will tell me I'm just fooling myself.  And usually, when I use this data to do a deeper self-check, I realize that I was just engaging in wishful thinking.  The heart rate monitor "keeps me honest". if you will, and that is often the difference between a great workout and a mediocre one.

2017 - Fitness #1 (Lowest Weight: 192.8)

Hi!  So with the cycling season winding to a close, I'd like to re-purpose this blog around one of my passions, the passion that I'm choosing to focus on at this point in my life, which is fitness.  Now, fitness can be a scary topic but I'm not going to write about anything scary.  This is just my personal journey through fitness mixed with a bit of humor and sarcasm.  I'm going to try to highlight resources that help me along the journey.  During this first phase, I'm going to be focusing on weight loss.  During the cycling season I actually put on a good bit of weight.  That may seem odd since I was doing so much biking, but we'll get into that topic later. 

Today what I want to focus on is one of my favorite new spots, my cycling studio, Cycology Fitness.  Cycology is a dedicated spinning studio.   I love cycling, and I think it's a great way to get in shape, especially if you're trying to build cardio capacity and/or lose weight, because it's so low impact.  A spin class is an interesting thing, and I may write a whole blog post about that.  It may seem like you just get on a bike and ride, but I can tell you that isn't the case.  There's nothing wrong with just getting on a bike and riding of course, and if you are starting from fitness square one, by all means!  For me, I wanted a bit more training/coaching/rigor, and I found it here.  They use the Performance IQ system, which is a heart-rate-based training method (I may also write a blog entry about that!) where you can see your performance up on a big screen in front, tracked through heart rate sensing equipment on your body.  It's a great atmosphere and the owners, Jana and Johnny, do a great job with keeping the place clean and professional.  They teach a lot of the classes themselves but their other instructors are awesome as well.  Some of the keys are music selection, intensity of emotion, and a sense of professional training - which means a guided experience where you move through the bands of heart rate intensity in a guided way.  I know it's helped me a lot, especially with building capacity, and I couldn't have even gotten as far as I have without them!

2017 - Pacific Coast, Part Two

Over the last four days, I went on a mini-adventure with my Bike the US for MS crew, and this blog post will suffice to cover all four days.  Well, five, really, if you count the first travel day, which is where we'll start.  But before that, I want to hit the big takeaways.  One of the great things about these bike rides is that I feel that I always learn something about myself, reflected in the ride.  And this time, there were two clear messages: one subtle, one profound.  The first is more prosaic: nutrition is really important.  Well, duh!  You say, but this is something new for me.  Over the last month, in an effort to lose weight, I have been careful about what I put in my body.  Over the last 4 days, I threw caution to the wind.  Many who look at our rides think we must be athletes, but the truth is more complex than that; in many ways our rides are like a rolling party, a celebration of life and of movement, and as with any good party, there is food.  Tons and tons of food.  Red velvet cupcakes, ice cream, sandwiches, beer, trail mix all went into my face, not to mention cookies and brownies and god knows what else.  And you know what?  I could tell immediately; fatigue, irritability.  Yes, food is fun, but it's time for a new approach to food.

The second conclusion was more profound and I'll have more to say about it later but the simple version is that it's (finally) time to pursue my dreams.  Like I said, more later, but the first step of that dream is a personal dream, which is just to get in really good shape.  So that's what I'll be making a priority for a while.

On to more of chronological approach: Saturday, I rode my bike from Encinitas down to San Diego 35 miles to take Amtrak up to Santa Barbara.  What a disaster!  First I was denied boarding, for no good reason, by a cranky Amtrak conductor who seemingly just didn't like cyclists.  Then, after waiting 2 1/2 hours for a new train, that train had mechanical failure and was 3 hours late.  So my afternoon arrival turned into riding in the dark.  The team was at the "ant church" and had been dealing with an ant infestation.  I slept well, and next day was 100 miles.  Four miles into my 259 mile trip, I got in a wreck!  Unbelievable.  Just hit a speed bump the wrong way.  So for the next 200 miles I couldn't shift because I broke my shifter.  When life throws you lemons, etc.  Then 90, then 65, then 35.  All of it was great fun.  I hung out with the old crew; Kaylyn, Kurt, Amanda, Matt.  Some some new/old faces like Nick.  Slept on suburban floors.  Learned that I don't enjoy sleeping in my car as much as a tent (you can't keep the bugs out without turning it into a hothouse).  Ate McDonalds.  Oh! And I got to show Cassie and some of the rest of the team the Bike The US for MS App I've been working on, and they really liked it, so I'll be spending more time on that.  All in all a great short trip and now it's on to my next adventure, which will be less travel-oriented but no less fun!

From the Ocean Beach Hotel in downtown San Diego, signing off for now! 

trying not to be annoyed and enjoy the old station  

train sunset  

matt riding into the sunrise

beautiful Coast  

aftermath of the wreck

2017 - Carlsbad, CA - Love

"Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." -- MLK
(Full quote below)

I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate Brietbart, and Steve Bannon, and Fox News.  I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate Trump.  I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate Nazis.  I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate myself, because I don't hate enough.  I tell you that I love.
You say that I should hate what my weak lack of hatred has created; that my inability to hate is what normalizes the other haters.  I tell you that I love.
You scream, and foam at the mouth, and drive me ever harder to hate, and hate more.  You cajole, and suggest.  You pull out all your logic and knowledge in defense of hate.  I tell you that I love.
Now it is me that you hate.  Now you want me to hate you back.  I tell you that I love.
I love you.  I love me.  I love Breitbart.  I even love "Nazis", because I know that each Nazi is actually just a human.  I do not love Nazis more than I love the people they hurt.  I love them all equally, which is to say infinitely.  I love those who call me naive.  I love immigrants, and African-Americans, and American-Americans.  I love those who call me friend.  I love those who call me a racist because I don't hate the right people at the right time.  I love those who say my love is just a privilege; that if I truly understood how awful the world is, I would not love.  I love my parents and I love my neighbors.  I love and love and love.

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, 
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. 
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar, 
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. 
Through violence you may murder the hater, 
but you do not murder hate. 
In fact, violence merely increases hate. 
So it goes. 
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, 
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. 
Darkness cannot drive out darkness: 
only light can do that. 
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

2017 - Chula Vista, CA - Chula Vista Half Ironman

Today I ran a half ironman.Here are my favorite moments/thoughts, for posterity:

That time when you get passed by an 11 year old girl

To the guy who put leaflets under my windshield wipers: thanks for making me get back out of my car after I got in it.  Being in pain definitely helped me decide how I felt about your product

That time when you feel like you must've been dead last and then you get your food, hang out, call your parents, chat, get in the car to leave and realize some people are still running

Why didn't somebody tell me to get a belt to hold the bib number.  I put it on my shirt like a big dumb marathon runner and then roasted all day.  Pro tip: bib belt

Dear people on the side: I love your enthusiasm but it's a loop course.  I am not "almost done"

When the guy who finished next to you tells you he ran a full ironman once and it took 16 1/2 hours

Wet suits still feel like cheating

Here's another pro tip: when leaving in the morning, get 20 minutes up the road before you realize you forgot your bike.  Literally the largest and most obvious piece of equipment

Dear people not running the triathlon: do not assume the people running the triathlon have any motor skills at all.  I.e. If someone is running/trotting/dying towards you, do not assume they will deftly maneuver around you.  They will not. 

When choosing a triathlon destination, you could do worse than somewhere where the weather is perfect all the time

I don't want to run one again, but ask me again next month

2017 - Day 74 - Encinitas, CA - Why Spin Class is Not Like Biking

My totally awesome coworker and his wife are putting me up in their suburban home (below is what I showed up to when I walked into their guest room!) but I wanted to get on my bike so I ended up at a spin class.  Let me first say that I enjoy spin class.  Sometimes it's nice to cycle indoors.  But there really is no comparison.  Yesterday I went to a spin class at my local gym.  I had fun, I sweat a lot, but there was no spiritual conversion.  First, in real life nobody stands up on their pedals unless they are really trying to push up a hill or just want to mix it up.  I hardly ever stand on pedals, and I certainly don't float up and down off of them like one of those drinking birds.  And there rarely is any Mariah Carey playing.  And the wind in your face keeps you dry so you don't just sit in a puddle of your own sweat.  Nobody yells at you to keep up the pace.  The scenery changes.  The pace is much more your own; you take occasional breaks.  Sometimes you go hard.  Sometimes you don't.  Outdoor cycling, to me, is real life, a connection with nature. 

Oh, and pet peeve: when you up a hill, you increase your cadence.  Going hard doesn't mean slowing down your legs; it's quite the opposite in fact!

2017 - Day 71 - Shelton, WA - 82 miles

Today the theme for my life was perspective.  There is a strip of pavement, about 40 miles, from Bremerton, WA to Shelton, WA.  I've ridden it 3 times now (a little more actually).  The pavement itself didn't ever change, of course.  The curves and turns and hills and trees and lake are all the same.  But each of the three trips couldn't possibly have been more different.  A year ago today, I rode that route as the sweep and route leader for last year's Pacific Coast trip.  It was a really difficult day.  I was on my bike until 6:30 PM and had arguably the most trying personal interactions I've ever had.  There was so much negativity because of the attitudes of a few of my riders and just some bad luck that resulted in people getting very lost.  Today, I rode it as just a rider.  And yes, a few people got mildly lost.  But everyone was smiling and laughing and everyone had a great time.  I got in by 2 and the last rider came in by4.  Then, I rode it back on my own and hammered to catch the 6:45 ferry - and did!  I did 40+ miles in 2:18 and it felt so great!  Such an accomplishment for me!  So that pavement never changed but the story I brought to it, and others contributed to, was so very different.  Of course, I knew already that everything in life is about how we look at it - but what an obvious example! 

It was so so awesome to ride with Jeff and Eddie and Matt and mike.  The best part is watching cool people I know who don't know each other get to meet and build even tighter webs of community.  And it was an amazing ride!!   I miss everyone already but will see them in just a couple weeks.

2017 - Day 69 - Seattle, WA

It seems like a million years ago but actually it was only yesterday.  I rode with the team about 40 miles back to Seattle.  One rest stop at an AM-PM, a few scary interactions with some narrow suburban roads, and then we were there.  First we met up with some old friends like Mike Platania and Mike Swan, then the final 7 miles (with them on crappy rental city bikes) until the tire dip in the water.  I submerged in the cold salty water, took a bunch of pictures, then we headed over to the hotel where there was free food and drinks.  The whole weekend has been just a celebration of who I have become and what we're here to do.  Another 60k was donated to the Swedish MS center.  Don (the founder) had a friend come speak, and he told everyone what was on my mind.  He spoke about how the cycling had impacted him, and also about the community that we had created.  But then he said something more profound, which is that of all the impact the organization had on him, the most deep was that now his bar for what “crazy” was had shifted.  That is, the things he might have previously thought were beyond him now felt achievable.  Indeed, he dared to think they were possible, and as we all know, that is the hardest thing of all - to think you deserve it, that you deserve happiness and that you can accomplish your goals.  Just daring to try gets you halfway there.

There are more things to say about the rest of the weekend.  And don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the time in between.  But tomorrow, it’s time to do amazing things again.