Day 443 - San Francisco, CA

Today I want to talk about patterns.  This weekend I had an interesting thing happen to me.  I drove up and back to Portland from San Francisco.  This is a drive I've done a few times, maybe as many as 5 or 6.  I did the drive by myself and was largely trying to do it as fast as reasonably possible.  Along the way, I of course had to stop for gas, pee breaks and food.  And several times during the trip, I had the weirdest thing happen: I will pull over, for example to get gas, only to realize that I was stopping at the exact same gas station I had stopped at last time.  The first time this happened, I thought it was an interesting coincidence.  But it kept happening.  With absolutely no planning or forethought, I kept stopping at the exact same places - to eat, to get gas, to use a rest stop.  I assure you I was not attempting to do this or even thinking about where I had been last time.  In fact, if you were to ask me, consciously, to tell you where I stopped, I wouldn't be able to tell you.  None of the places I stopped was particularly great or notable or interesting.  I just happened to stop at the exact same places. 

And it got me thinking about patterns.  Patterns in our lives.  Things we do without even thinking about it.  Somewhere, in the back of our brain stem, a chunk of our brain is busy keeping us warm, safe, and well fed, and that chunk of brain has little or no imagination.  It isn't interested in moving us forward or in thinking new thoughts; it's interested in not perishinig from the earth (and, possibly, in reproduction).   

So, OK: we do things repeatedly, unconsciously, and in patterns.  (Or at least I do).  What does this mean?  I guess for me, it means that it would be interesting just to pay more attention.  I also think that it's an interesting reason why I need to move to Portland.  Many people have asked why I'm moving, and sometimes I didn't have the best answer.  The main reason is because I feel like I need a new environment, filled with the kinds of things and people I want to be part of my life.  And I guess this weekend shows why.  I want the part of my brain that makes easy choices to decide to go hiking instead of sit inside, to make friends instead of shrink, to go climbing, hiking and biking.  I want that to be *easy*, not hard, so that I'll do it.  And I also just want to break patterns; hard-earned patterns of San Francisco that I've worn in after 8 years. 

Day 451 - Angels Rest Trailhead, Columbia Gorge, OR

This weekend I was really depressed.  I want to write about this, openly, because I feel like there's such a stigma around depression and anxiety.  It's hard, to write openly about.  Even writing on this blog, I worry that maybe some future employer, or future girlfriend, will read this and get nervous or scared.  But I guess, at the end of the day, one of the things I've figured out is that people that can't deal with someone having feelings are people I don't want to be involved with anyway.  And I think it's important, just to be open about feelings, even when they're not the ones we want.  I'm depressed, and that's part of who I am.  It doesn't define me, but it's in there somewhere.  Part of the show. 

One of the things I realized this weekend is that, someplace deep down, I'm still trying to win the approval of my parents.  My parents were emotionally unavailable.  They just didn't tell me very often that I was a good person, and more importantly, they didn't like talking about emotions, especially the "bad" ones.  I deeply wanted their approval - as all kids do - and I rarely got it.  So, as an adult, I seek out emotionally unavailable people, and try to win their approval, as if by doing so I can prove to myself that I'm a good enough person to get my parents to love me.  Sometimes, it even works, and I win that person's approval for a while, and of course I immediately get addicted to that approval; I crave it.  At some point, either because that person gets creeped out by my addiction, or because they are, you know, emotionally unavailable, the approval stops coming, and like an addict, I get increasingly desperate for it.  The withdrawal, when it leaves, is crushing.  And then I start the cycle back up, looking for the next person who can give me my fix.  Oftentimes, it's attractive women of the type that ayurveda would call "vata"; the wind type, people with their own anxiety, people who are - often unintentionally - self-centered and full of themselves.  I don't know if it's fair to say that they're bad people, but it's definitely true that they're unhealthy, especially for me. 

The larger point is: it's OK to be depressed.  It's always OK.  It's never bad.  It's not desirable, maybe, or something to seek out, definitely, but it isn't bad, and it doesn't make you a bad person.  It's important to get to the bottom of it, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. 

Day 448 - San Francisco, CA

Today I want to write about humility.  My apologies for those of you outside the tech world, because I'm going to write about it by association to an event I witnessed yesterday.  Some of you will know exactly what I'm talking about, while others might be confused, but just stick around and it should make sense.  Yesterday was one of Apple's big tech release extravaganzas.  They do this semi-frequently; get up on stage and trumpet one of their new releases.  Of course other companies do this too, but Apple gets way more recognition, and also turns up the showmanship and the self-aggrandizement to epic levels.  These events are not conferences; they are carefully planned and choreographed parties for Apple.  Which is why it was doubly surprising that yesterday, during their big launch, they invited an executive on stage - from Microsoft.

To truly understand what a big deal this is, you'd have to be immersed in the tech scene over the last 20 years.  Microsoft and Apple are like Arsenal and Manchester United, or like the Steelers and the Browns.  Or maybe like the U.S. and the Soviet Union.  There's certainly a level on which the companies are competitors; but it goes deeper than that.  There's a fanboyism to the whole thing.  The two have different ideologies, different home towns, even different color schemes.  There's a story arc to their competitiveness.  And yet, not only did Apple invite Microsoft on stage - Microsoft accepted.

Why am I writing about this today?  Because what struck me was humility.  Humility is one of those virtues we often overlook, and it's something I've really been trying to focus on the last few years.  There was a time when Apple was led by Steve Jobs and Microsoft by Steve Ballmer and those two guys just didn't like each other very much.  Microsoft was pompous and ornery, and Apple was egotistical and snarky.  And not only was a lot of emotional ink spilled, but likely money was left on the table.  Then along come Tim Cook and Satya Nadella.  All of a sudden Microsoft is building tools for Android, and Apple is inviting Microsoft onstage.  It may make for good copy to lambast and cajole, but in the end, it makes good business sense to embrace and accept.  Through a series of market events, both were driven to cooperate, or at least be nice to each other.  And I think there's a lesson to be learned here.  Like parents who get along for the sake of the kids, or neighbors who put aside their differences to live in peace, in the end, peace is good and calm and sane and helpful.  Rhetoric and bombast and Donald Trump might seem like a fun release, but cooperation will win every time.

And I am much more likely to buy Microsoft products, knowing that their committed to playing nice, than I would be if they were still angry.

Day 447 - San Francisco, CA

Here's some of the things I'm looking forward to in Portland.  This week has been pretty stressful; starting a new job, trying to get ready to move, lots of changes happening at once.  I do recognize the dangers of living for the future instead of for the now, but I think I will indulge.  In honor of Stephen Colbert starting last night, my top 10 things I'm looking forward to in Portland: 

1.  Re-connecting with some old friends.  You guys know who you are.  :)

2.  Riding my bike back and forth to work, the gym and the grocery store without having to go up a 35 degree incline. 

3.  Finding an awesome apartment with a gigabit ethernet connection.  No more San Francsico DSL!  I don't have to live in the AOL era anymore! 

4.  Everything Mazamas: mountaineering, hiking, learning, socializing, swinging by the library.  Can't wait for the Alpine Fest, my next climb, everything. 

5.  Starting my job teaching in Bend.  Can't wait to meet my new students! 

6. Climbing at Planet Granite.  I can't wait to meet some new folks and find a climbing partner.

7.  No sales tax!  Enough said. 

8.  Snow!  Downhill, cross country, making snow angels, driving in flurries. 

9.  The laid back attitude of a town where the first people I met complimented me on my shoes and my bicycle. 

10.  Everything!  Mountain Shop, the MAX, Powell's, Tao of Tea, Dick's Kitchen, Laughing Planet, etc., etc., etc.!!! 

Oh, and a bonus: 11. Going to my first Timbers game! 

And I didn't even get to mention yoga, triathlons, my new job!! 

Day 445 - San Francisco, CA

I like to draw.  I'm not very good at it.  But that's OK.  I like it anyway.   

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Joy+Of+Painting

Day 444 - San Francisco, CA

Today I want to write about compassion.  Warning: this might ramble a tiny bit.  Yesterday I posted something about this woman, Kim Davis, who decided that she felt so strongly about marriage being between only a man and a woman that she is now in jail for contempt of court.  If you aren't familiar with that case, you can feel free to Google it, I won't go into it here because it isn't really the point.  The point is, I said that I felt bad for her, and I encouraged compassion.  And I got a mix of responses; some for, some against, some seemingly a bit peeved that I would waste my breath on this lady who was so obviously wrong. 

I'm not going to judge anyone, or any of these responses.  I absolutely can understand the anger and outrage against this woman.  I am well aware that gay people have suffered mightily.  I am also aware that their allies in the heterosexual community are often aghast at how poorly gays have been historically treated in this country.  There's a lot of anger and hatred and sadness; plenty to spare, in fact. 

Whenever there is sadness and anger and hate, there are three fundamentally different approaches to dealing with it.   One is to deny it; to push it down, pretend it doesn't exist.  The second is to indulge it; to create walls, to punish, to demean or insult or belittle.  The third path, what the Buddhists call the middle path, is to acknowledge these very real feelings, but at the same time to acknowledge the basic humanity of everyone involved. I would call this the path of compassion.  Let's be clear about what compassion is and is not.  Compassion means that it makes me sad that another human being has to spend a night in prison, away from her loved ones.  Compassion does not mean that I do not think she should be there.  I understand the total picture here and appreciate and accept why this woman needs to be in jail.  But I'm not happy about it.  I take no glee in her suffering.  When one human suffers, we all suffer.  Compassion means that I understand why she feels the way she does, and I appreciate the depth of her passion.  Compassion does not mean that I agree with her, or think she should get her way.  She absolutely should not.  Her desire to impinge on the rights and feelings of others cannot be acted upon; but it is still a valid desire, a human desire.  There are no bad feelings; only bad actions and results.

There is a principle at work here, that of the "least force needed".  It's clear that this woman needs to be restrained from harming others.  But we don't need to pile on.  We need to do the least possible to keep her from inflicting that pain.  There is no need to belittle her, or strip her of her humanity.  Those things only weaken the position, morally and ethically.  Yes, she must be kept from acting on her feelings.  But we don't need to hate her.  Which is not to say that I don't understand the desire to hate her.  That is also valid.  It's ok to want to hate her.  It's not OK to give in.  That starts the cycle of hate.  At the end of the day, I do not hope that Kim Davis "loses".  I hope we all win.  I hope she genuinely is touched by the compassion of those she disagrees with, and softens her heart. 

A quick aside about my own father: he used to say that he really just felt uncomfortable with people (men, specifically) being gay.  He felt funny when two men were holding hands.  I understand this.  He wasn't raised with that kind of thing.  I don't think he ever hated them, but he definitely didn't like it or understand it.  But a few years back, my parents ended up becoming friends with a gay male couple.  They've become some of their best friends.  And my Dad says that now, while sometimes it still seems a bit off, it doesn't bother him nearly as much. 

The point here is this: I could have treated my Dad's unease with homosexuality as the enemy.  I could have lectured him about it, gotten angry with him, thought less of him, picked a fight.  That would have accomplished nothing.  Indeed, it likely would have made him dig in his heels.  What softened his attitude was that most human of things: making a friend. 

At some level, we understand this, because this is how we treat children.  We understand this principle of least neccessary force instictively.  When a child acts out, we restrain them from acting on their dark feelings.  But we don't hate them, we don't punish them more than neccessary.  We don't strip them of humanity.  We act with compasssion.   I maintain that this is also how we can treat adults.

What Kim Davis needs is not a lecture.  What she needs is compassion.  She needs some gay friends.  Maybe a gay neighbor. 

Day 443 - South Fork of the American River, CA

I have no idea how many of you even read this blog, and even less idea how many of you come here seeking nuggets of wisdom.  But just on the off chance that any of you do, this weekend I got to go hiking with a dog, and hang out with some handicapped folks.  And I have to say: when you feel hung up on yourself, and you find yourself thinking about yourself more than, say, other people, here's some advice: go hiking with a dog, and hang out with handicapped people.
I think any more words I wrote on this subject would harm more than help.  So I'll leave you with someone else's:
"The individual stress response systems and 'reward' neurobiology in a marginalized, disconnected [emphasis mine] nd culturally fragmented group will be compromised and predisposes individuals of that group to a host of mental, physical and social problems such as depression, suicide, diabetes and increased substance abuse."  -- Dr. Bruce Perry

So - make a friend.

Day 439 - San Francisco, CA

Continuing on the theme of awesome things happening in my life, lets go for #3.  I have always been interested in video games, obviously.  Since I'm getting out of the industry, I've been thinking about ways to stay involved.  I also love to teach.  So, combining the two interests, I am going to start erring involved in eSports.  In particular, as of today, I'm going to start streaming.  Some of you may not know what streaming is, and for many of you it won't be interesting in the least.  Streaming is basically playing video games live and broadcasting, with commentary.  It's a big business, and the main player is a company called Twitch.  I'll be broadcasting there as my username, Maj0rDamag3.  There isn't anything up there yet, but soon.  Hopefully this weekend.  My main focus will be my favorite game, Hearthstone.  I like Hearthstone because it's beginner-friendly and doesn't require the sort of hand-eye speed that some other games do.  But I'll probably also be playing League of Legends and Heroes of the Storm.  I've built a little desk with a Surface Pro 3 and a dock and a ethernet connection to broadcast from, that's easy to move around.  I'm trying to find an apartment up in Portland that has serious gigabit Ethernet, to make this hobby a reality.  I don't foresee ever earning any money from this, but I do think it's going to be a lot of fun.  I also want to start a meetup group up in Portland about eSports.

For those of you that want to know more, there's a great documentary about eSports that I'll link below.  And for those of you that want to watch my stream, that's below as well.  Happy gaming!

Http://twitch.tv/Maj0rDamag3

Day 442 - San Francisco, CA

Today's post is about Donald Trump.

First, let me make something clear: I am not going to pretend to be unbiased.  I am almost certainly voting for Bernie Sanders.  That pretty much says it all.  So it may surprise you that the main theme of this post will be rising to Mr. Trump's (very limited) defense.

There is an important principle at work here; that of civilized dialogue and democracy.  Let me be clear: I think Donald Trump's policies, if implemented, would be immensely destructive.  His policies on immigration are unrealistic, unwise, lack compassion and would probably ruin the whole country.  His attitude towards women is clearly misogynistic and backward.  These things make him - in my opinion - unfit to be President of the United States.  I would not vote for him if you held a gun to my head.  However, these policies, in and of themselves, do not make him unfit to run for President of the United States.  

This is important, so I'll say it again: an immigration policy which advocates rounding up every single immigrant tomorrow and immediately deporting them is a valid policy.  It is incorrect, it is misguided, and - again, in my opinion - it is terribly wrong.  But it is a valid statement of policy.  I firmly believe that every citizen has the right to express their approval of that policy.  I sincerely hope that, given that free right, they will choose not to approve of that policy.  But it is very important that they get to freely choose.  The whole point of democracy is that my opinion is not law.  There are limits, to be sure, and they are important.  If Mr. Trump advocated rounding up all the "darkies" and shipping them off to concentration camps, then we would say that not only is he unfit to be President, he would be unfit to even attempt to become President.  But his policies, while inane and stupid, do not yet seem to rise to the level of mass extinction.

Democracy is, quite frankly, terrifying.  It is no less than paralyzing to fully accept that 50% + 1 of America could wake up tomorrow and decide that every single illegal immigrant needs to be immediately deported.  That's awful.  But here's the thing: a lot of smart people have thought about this, and nobody has come up with a better system.  There's a quote about this, in fact, by no less than Winston Churchill: "Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others."  And it's true.  I don't like it.  I want to enshrine my ideas in law.  I want to comfortable believe that nobody can do things I don't like.  But that doesn't work.

One of the reasons that I felt it was important to write this is that I notice my Facebook feed - on the Donald subject - degenerating.  Ad Hominem attacks against Mr. Trump only prove that we don't know how to be civil.  He is not a bad candidate for President because his hair is ugly.  He is not a bad candidate for President because he makes funny faces or owns a company.  He is a bad candidate for President because his policies are dumb.  In fact, the sheer idiocy of his policies doesn't make it less important that we be respectful, it makes it more important.  We must rise to the occasion and firmly, fervently and consistently argue against his ideas, not necessarily the man himself.  I remember seeing some really unpleasant memes about Barack Obama, and they made me mad.  Now I see those same memes being applied to Donald Trump, and it makes me queasy.  Two wrongs don't make a right.

One of the reasons this distinction is so clear to me is that my parents - and many of their friends - are the sort of folks that might vote for Trump.  And they are wrong.  But I still respect them.  I would no more attempt to deprive them of the right to express themselves than I would expect them to deprive me of the right to express myself.

Day 438 - San Francisco, CA

Once again, I had a lighter topic picked out, but the "real" topic made itself clear today.  A lot of people have asked me why I'm moving to Portland.  On the surface of it, it may not seem to make much sense.  But I had two incidents today juxtaposed, which explain everything.  I think I'll just describe these two incidents, and then maybe comment a little bit. 

First, this morning, while I was working at home, I got a call from a 503 area code (Portland).  When I picked up, a polite man asked if I owned a yellow scooter.  I said I did, and he introduced himself as a police officer.  My scooter, he said, had been found pushed up into someone's yard.  I'd left it outside in a neighborhood of St. John's.  So it wasn't terribly surprising to me that someone had messed with it.  The police office was super nice, and he - on my behalf - had asked the guy at the house closest to where it was found if he would keep it for me in his garage.  The guy said yes, and now I have it in someone's garage, and a phone number and address.  I may even eventually make a new friend or acquaintance.  And my scooter is fine.  I left that interaction feeling awesome. 

Directly after that, I got on my bike to go to work.  There's a hill on the way, where you can pick up a bit of speed.  The lights are even synchronized specifically for a bike going 20 mph.  As I passed a woman on a bicycle, she screamed at me that I was going too fast and scaring people.  I pulled up short at a red light a block up the road and she proceeded to lecture me about my bike riding skills.  I won't go into the details of what she said because it's not important, and I also happen to think she's wrong anyway, but the point is she took time out of her day to yell at a complete stranger.   (Here's a hint: if you find yourself telling someone you don't know how wrong they are, it's quite likely you are not increasing the overall happiness of the universe).  I left that incident feeling angry and hurt.

These two incidents really speak to me, especially back to back.  In one, an incident which could have been a big deal was turned into not a big deal at all.  In the other, the inverse happened, and a big deal was created out of essentially nothing.  

I'd love to say these were isolated incidents.  But they are not.  There has been a clear pattern, in both cases.  I have my own "pop psychology" theories as to why, but honestly the why is not nearly as important to me as the end result.  And - no offense, San Francisco - this is why I need to move. 

Day 437 - Oakland, CA

Today I ran an olympic distance triathlon, and I want to capture some of my thoughts about the experience.  Overall it was awesome; just as cool and rewarding as I thought it would be.  I was reminded, again, about how nice it would be to have someone by my side at the finish line (or even doing the race with me!), but other than that, I couldn't ask for a better day.  I had friends, I did really well, I enjoyed myself, and maybe most surprising, I don't feel like a total physical wreck.  Here are some quick-hit thoughts in no particular order: 

- A few people at the starting line were discussing comparing the olympic distance (1.5 k swim, 40 k ride, 10k run) to a half marathon or marathon.  The consensus, among those that had done both, seemed to be that it would be somewhere in between.  I found that not to be the case for me.  For me, it was actually easier than a half marathon.  At the halfway mark of the run, it occured to me that was equivalent to the 10 mile mark of a half marathon.  But at 10 miles into a half marathon, I feel pretty wiped out, and that wasn't the case here.  I felt tired, but still pretty good to be honest.   

- Along those lines, I feel like I "left a little bit of money on the table", so to speak, during the run.  I hammered on the bike, and I was worried about the run when it started so I took it easy, and never totally turned on the juice.  I wanted to not feel like crap later that day, and mission accomplished - but I could have done a bit more.  I don't regret that choice, but it would interesting to see what I could do if I sacrificed myself. 

- I read a really great post the other day on Facebook talking about how happiness is equal to reality minus expectations.  That was true today.  I didn't think too hard about what my finishing time would be, but as much as I did think about it, I assumed it would be about 3:30.  So to finish in 2:57 was really fun and rewarding and made me feel really good about myself. 

- The bay is truly gross to swim in. 

- Triathletes are attractive people. 

- About 95% or more of the people were wearing wet suits (I was not).  I thought people wore them to keep warm, but it turns out mostly it's about buoyancy and the perception that you swim faster wearing one.  In fact they're expressly disallowed in competitive triathlons once the temperature of the water hits 78.  I really enjoyed not wearing one but I wonder if it would be worth it to try. 

- I think I could do a half ironman if I trained.  I'm not sure yet if I want to, but I think I could. 

- I really perform better in the cold and rain then in the heat. 

- Male elite triathletes are stubborn and dumb.  I watched at least 6 wipeouts on the wet turns because they just wouldn't slow down enough. 

- I like triathlons!!  :) 

Day 434 - San Francisco, CA

I had a lighter topic chosen for today, but as is often the case, the universe decided what I was going to write about.  As most of you who read the blog regularly know, I make a point of being very open and honest here.  I try very hard not to censor myself.  I always knew that this might cause problems.  In fact, it already has once before, when I wrote about sex very openly while I was dating someone who ended up not appreciating some of the things I had to say.  And today, that happened for a second time.  I have been writing pretty openly here for the last few days about moving to Portland.  But I had not yet given notice at my job.  One reason for that was that I was waiting until Friday afternoon, because I thought it might go over better then.  I was somewhat aware that this might cause an issue, but I really didn't think anyone at work read my blog.  Nobody at work is a Facebook friend, and I just didn't think it would be a big deal.  But it turns out my boss, Paritosh, does read the blog.  So, like in some bad sitcom, today we had what could charitably be called a very awkward conversation.

I regret that he found out about that fact that I am leaving my job this way.  It was not my intent for that to happen.  It doesn't feel like the right way of communicating.  It's clear that I did something "wrong", or at least not aligned with my values.  What is less obvious is what exactly the right answer is.  One clear and obvious choice is to stop blogging.  A close second choice would be to continue blogging, but be careful not to reveal anything too meaningful.  Both of these options feel largely the same to me.  That is, if I'm not going to feel open to be myself, I am not sure I want to blog at all.  The third option is to just live a transparent life, and assume that everything I post here is immediately known to everyone.

Living a transparent life seems insane and dangerous.  One of my good friends, upon hearing my story, made it clear that he thought I was a total moron for speaking openly.  And I think he's right.  The question is, should I have not blogged about it, or should I have been more immediately open with my boss?  Originally, I felt that giving two weeks notice was the right hing to do.  But over time, several of my past jobs, when I gave notice, escorted me out immediately.  It was painful and traumatic, so I decided in the future I wouldn't give notice.  That meant that I ended up blogging about it before discussing it with my boss.  This may seem like a relatively trivial example, but the pattern here is clear and, I think, important: starting out with open communication, suffering trauma, then closing off communication.  And the temptation is to give in to the circle, to retreat further away from openness.  In this context, that would be shutting down the blog.  But that doesn't feel like the right answer.  I like being open; it feels better connected to my spiritual essence.  The scary truth is that I think what I have to do is really embrace openness.  In this context, I should have trusted my job.  And if they did the wrong thing and betrayed my trust, well, that would have been on them.

There are other areas of my life where, right now, I am not communicating as openly and truthfully as I could.  I don't lie often these days, but like any of us, I definitely hide some of the truth.

Do I have the guts to be truly open?

Day 433 - San Francisco, CA

As many of you know, I enjoy meditating, and sometimes I teach meditation.  Recently I started teaching a meditation class at my job.  A few of my coworkers asked me to record an intro to meditation class as an audio file so they could meditate on their own, which I was happy to do.  And now I'd like to share that with you!  At the link below, you'll find a 19 minute mp3 audio file which walks you through the basics of meditation and includes a 15 minute meditation session.  Feel free to use it as you like.  If you end up copying it, referencing it or using it somewhere, all I ask is that you give me credit for it.  :)  But it's free to anyone who wants to get started with meditation!

If you like this, and you'd like more audio files like this, just let me know!

Happy meditating!

http://www.adamhunter.net/Meditation.mp3

Day 432 - San Francisco, CA

Hello, blog people!  Continuing on the theme of Awesome Things Happening in Adam's Life, here's thing #2!  I'm going to be a college professor!  I've accepted a part time job  teaching at Oregon State University, on the Bend campus; it's called OSU-Cascades.  For starters, I'll be teaching a class on business and computer science, which will be really interesting.  It's a new program they're starting up combining the two departments.  They wanted me because I have both a Masters in Computer Science as well as an MBA.  I think it's a great class to offer because it's a really important life skill for Computer Science students who might not be used to interacting with the "real world".  I applaud the folks in Bend for introducing such a forward thinking class, and for their extreme foresight in hiring such an amazing adjunct professor.  :)  I'm super excited about the opportunity because I've been trying to get into teaching for a long time, and this is my big opportunity!  So it's a win-win.  And, of course, it's some extra income, which is always nice.  

Day 431 - Portland, OR

This is a post I've been waiting for a while to write.  You may have noticed that I haven't updated in a while; that's because this post has been waiting, building up, blocking the other posts.  And now that the time has arrived, it's hard to find the words.  But I guess we'll start here: I'm moving to Portland! 

Yes, dear cynic, I did that once already.  It's true.  But this time is going to be different.  For two big reasons, the biggest of which is: I found a job!  An honest-to-goodness Portland job.  And it's a really really good one, too!  No settling.  Actually I think it's a huge step up for my life.  I'm still going to be working in software, but the company I'll work for is much more spiritually and philosophically aligned with my goals.  It's called Mapbox, and they make open source software for doing mapping and data visualization on maps.  Because it's open source, it's really popular among the kind of people that don't have a lot of money, such as NGOs and non-profits.  And the company didn't get its start as a tech company, but rather as a political effort in DC, so they have a very different philosophy and background.  And I'll get to really enjoy the Pacific Northwest without any more worries about money. 

As you can probably tell, I'm incredibly excited.  I'll be moving around the third week of September.  I will actually be back and visiting San Francisco moderately often - about 4 times a year - as part of the job.  Which is nice; I'll get to stay connected with all my friends in SF.  And I even get to fly out to DC a couple of times a year, which I'm looking forward to. 

There are a ton of other awesome positive changed coming up as well, related to this change, but this is enough for today.  We'll save some for later.  :) 

Day 416 - San Francisco, CA

It's no secret that I don't shy away from...delicate topics here in this space.  A lot of times, when I talk about these kinds of things, I end up doing more harm than good.  I urge anyone who reads this to read it in the spirit that it's intended, and that, if it triggers you, just smile, take a deep breath, think happy thoughts about me, and read something else.  What I'm going to talk a bit about today is gender.  I've been in a workshop on NVC for the last 2 days - Non-Violent Communication, with Judith Lasseter.  It's a technique for conversation and dialogue that focuses on understanding; putting yourself in the other person's shoes.  Perhaps because of that, I've been thinking a bit about what it's like to be a woman. 

There are times in my life when I've been accused of sexism.  In general, I think you can just look at my track record to see that generous and kind towards women.  But I will admit there's a kernel of truth in that allegation sometimes, which is that I've been, at times, an unapologetic chauvinist.  What I mean by that is that I've been eager to race to the defense of men.  And I still stand by that; I don't think it's helpful when people (men or women) talk about "all men" or complain about "men" as if they are some sort of monolithic group. 

But that's not what I want to talk about today.  What I want to talk about is the ways in which it is clearly true that women get the short end of the stick; the unseen and historically unacknowledged advantages that men have.  I was thinking about this especially during this workshop in the context of men in "clasroom-type" settings.  When I was a child, in school, and in other school-type settings like Sunday school, I was always encouraged.  I was made to feel like it was fully appropriate for me to raise my hand and ask questions, to be assertive towards the teacher and with my fellow students.  At no time did I ever worry that I needed to be "proper".  I was encouraged to tackle subjects like math and science.  I was repeatedly assured that I would be successful, and that being successful was important, and what I needed to do to be happy.  Never was it ever suggested that I could marry into wealth or happiness.  Nobody ever said I should stick to certain topics or subjects.  I never felt bossy or "unfeminine".  But that's just in school; after the workshop, I walked alone to my car in the dark.  I never felt unsafe.  At no point was I worried that somebody would assault me.  I asked one of my fellow students if they wanted to have dinner with me - alone - without having to worry that they might be creepy; or at least, that if they were creepy, I might have a really unfortunate experience.  I basically hardly ever live in fear for my physical body, except in really extreme circumstances.   It's easy to forget how chilling of an effect fear can have; even a little bit of fear.  

It's important for to acknowledge that's an advantage I have that I didn't earn or really deserve.  I didn't do anything special to get to feel that safety; it's just a blessing of my gender.  Of course, some men feel afraid, and some women feel completely comfortable.  I know a man who was raped, and I know a woman who travels the world alone without fear.  But the *starting line* isn't really fair.  Of course, for any given person, it's smart to just forget that fact; to spend less time dwelling on it and more time overcoming it.  But for me, as a man, to not acnknowledge this essential unfairness is disrespectful and unhelpful.  Of course, it's also not my *fault* that I was born a man; I didn't ask for these advantages, and I don't have to feel guilty for having them.  Still, since I have them, the least I can do is give them away.  To be grateful for having them, and use them to the benefit of both men and women.  Not because I have to, but because I want to.  I want to open doors, walk a woman to her car.  But mostly I want to just hold space for that awareness. 

That might still seem sexist.  It might seem condescending.  I hope not; I don't mean it that way.  I know some women fight for equality; for total equality.  They won't be happy until there's no difference at all.  I wonder sometimes if that will ever happen, if that's even possible.  I guess I'm not smart enough to know the answer.  It's not the world we live in, though, and I can't make that happen.  But I can try to do the best I can to be kind, to be understanding of both genders, and, in the meantime, until we reach equality, to use whatever advantage I might get to the benefit of the people around me.  That's the best I can think of. 

Day 414 - San Francisco, CA

One of my MBA professors showed us an article about career planning where the person said something smart that I think applies to more than just jobs; they were noticing that, when you ask people what they want out of a job, you always get the same boring answers, and you don't learn much about them.  But when you ask them what they *don't* want, you learn a lot more.  Anyone past a certain age knows that things you want always comes with things you don't.  Arguably, the way to know what your priorities are are to list the things you're willing to put up with.  Want to be fit and in shape?  Well, are you willing to be in the gym for thousands of hours?  What this really tells us is that the most important thing to understand about life is priorities.  So, with that in mind, here are some thoughts I've had over the last week or so, in no particular order: 

If I end up at the gym and all I have is dress shoes, I'm still going to work out.

If I have a date planned and a friend schedules something important, I'm canceling the date.

If a job pays a lot of money but makes me sad, I'll quit.

If something fun is happening inside but it's a gorgeous day, I'm going outside.

If I have to choose, I'd rather be kind than right.

If I'm really hungry, but stopping to eat will make me late, I'm going to be late.

If a friend needs help, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't help me if the situation was reversed, I'm still going to help.

Anyone have any of their own? 

Day 413 - San Francisco, CA

Greetings, readers!  Today I'm going to be asking for a little bit of help and advice.  As some of you know, I write apps for a living; at least, I have the last 4 or 5 years or so.  As part of that, both for professional reasons and just for fun and the sheer joy of making things, I have written a number of apps on the side.  I've actually gone all the way to listing some of those apps on the App Store, and even sold a few copies.  But the most I've ever made is maybe about a hundred dollars or so, in years of doing this.  

I don't necessarily think that I write bad apps.  Some of the apps I've done aren't so great, but there's a few in particular that I think would sell.  But the problem is how to let people know about them.  I have an MBA in Marketing, of course, so I understand that basically, it's a marketing problem.  The company I work for - for example - spends a ton of time and energy - and money - marketing their apps.  They even talk about it in terms of "buying customers".  Typically, I haven't really been willing to invest time in all that.  But lately I've started thinking that maybe I'd like to look into it.  After all, I spent all this time writing these various apps, it seems like the least I could do is spend a bit of time marketing them and see what happens.  But I don't really know where to start.  I'm not sure how to advertise for apps on a smaller scale.  I don't want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars creating sophisticated advertisements and such for my apps.  What I'd like to be able to do is just spend maybe a couple of hundred dollars or so and see if I can get any traction.  There's one app in particular that I think would be cool to start with; it's an app I wrote called Quietude which is a sort of meditation app that encourages you to, well, be quiet.  I think it's an interesting app to a very narrow segment of people, and I'd like to spend a small amount of money trying to market to that narrow audience.  

Does anyone within earshot of this blog know how to do that?

Day 408 - San Francisco, CA

Today I want to talk about how hard it can be sometimes to see the positive things in life.  I also want to talk about my Withings scale.  I really like my Withings scale.  It's this Wifi-enabled scale that takes my weight and uploads it to an app on my phone.  Dorky, I know. 

Let's ignore for the moment whether it's good for me to be concerned about my weight.  I probably should just let go and not give a crap.  But, I do give a crap.  And I weigh myself often - sometimes once a day.  Sometimes, I weigh less than the day before.  Sometimes, I weigh more.  One of the things I've learned is that my brain doesn't really always do a good job of picking out patterns in my life, especially when they're positive.  In other words, it can be really hard to see positive change when it a) happens slowly and b) doesn't happen evenly.  Some days there's a step back.  I think it's common for us as human beings to only remember the negative things that happen.  I have a theory that it's because, when we were out in the wild, it was way more important to remember the places where a lion tried to kill us then it was to remember where we saw that beautiful sunset.  Anyway, combined with the brain's tendency to want to match patterns, it's very easy to look at a bunch of events in your life and become convinced that things are going right into the shitter, when in fact the exact opposite is happening.  And one nice thing about this Withings stuff is that, for at least one tiny aspect of my life, it's able to show me - without bias - that I am clearly, obviously, and fairly consistently losing weight. 

Now, this is not a post about weight loss, I hope that's clear.  What this is, is a post about progress.  Maybe you're trying to quit smoking, or get more fit, or be nicer to people, or find a better career.  A lot of the things worth doing in life take a really long time and consistent, measured effort, and don't produce nice, clean results.  I'm learning that it's important to look at the big picture; not whether I am better than I was yesterday, but whether I'm better than I was 3 years ago.  And I think technology can help.  Being able to look at data without the biases of the (kinda broken) human brain really helps in staying confident.​

Day 407 - San Francisco, CA

Today, I went for a walk.  The weather was nice, and I decided to just start walking around my neighborhood.  I was inspired by a story I read a while back about a guy who walked every single street in San Francisco.  I don't know if I'll ever get there, but I had a nice 45 minute walk around my neighborhood.  I guess I got started. 

I've made no secret of the fact that I've had a crappy month or two.  I've talked pretty openly on my blog about a lot of things.  I haven't even mentioned some of the small things, like cracking my phone screen again.  And some things are too fresh; my bike got stolen this afternoon, for example.  That didn't even turn out to be the worst part of the day; I had an even worse thing happen but that part came later, and maybe I'll talk about it on the blog, maybe even tomorrow.  But today I don't feel like it. 

As I was walking around, on my walk, a feeling started to suddenly come over me.  I thought about all the times in my life that shit has really hit the fan.  I thought about how things come in groups.  I thought about the times I've spent railing against my fate, yelling at the sky or whoever would listen.  And suddenly, this phrase just popped right into my head, from somewhere deep down inside.  And you'll have to excuse the language, but this is exactly what it said: Fuck it.  Fuck all of it.  Fuck all the negativity.  Just fuck it right in the ear.  I am sick and fucking tired of feeling down about things, about my bike, about dating, about being 10 pounds overweight.  I'm just 100% balls out sick of being sad about stuff.  I just don't want to do it anymore.  There are so many things to be happy about: the nice weather, my awesome bluetooth keyboard, the fact that I have a job, my friends, my apartment.  There's a lot to complain about, too, but for the first time in a long while I feel like maybe things could head in a positive direction and I will be goddamned if I'm going to spiral down just because some dude felt he needed to steal my bike, or I had to go sit in a room and explain about how I didn't really want to judge some guy for breaking into a car, or a million other little pieces of universe crap.  I just really don't want to go there anymore. 

And, honestly, it felt really good.  It felt good just to walk around the streets.  I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.  It's weird that in the midst of a shitty time I should feel so free, but maybe it takes all of that bull to realize how much I have to be grateful for. 

So, I don't know how long that will last.  Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and feel like hell.  Who knows.  Maybe it's exercise-induced euphoria.  :)  We'll find out!