Hello out there! Question: who’s reading this thing? I’m interested in who might be out there, curious about my trip. Can you do me a favor, gentle reader? If you’re reading these words right now, would you let me know? You can leave a comment here, or in the Facebook thread for today, or you can email me at adam@adamhunter.net. I’d love to feel more connected back to the people I know who care about me.
Today was a bit of a rest day. The cycling has become pretty easy, and civilization still has its outposts here, so I’m trying to take advantage of that while I can. I met a nice woman named Johanna at the local ranger station who, it turns out, was on Warmshowers, and she offered to put me up. I ended up playing volleyball with her and her friends from the Fish and Wildlife job she has for the summer, and then we had a barbecue. It was really interesting to go from being on the road to suddenly immersed in this social circle, and it sparked a lot of feelings inside me that I wanted to blog about while they’re still fresh.
I am exceptionally grateful for the generosity that Johanna showed me by taking her into my house, introducing me to her friends. It was fun to pretend to be normal for a few hours and do things like play volleyball. Her friends are really nice people, obviously folks that care about the environment. One guy was an amazing wildlife photographer. One guy had been in the peace corps. I enjoyed hanging out with them. I hope we keep in touch.
At the same time, I can’t deny that I felt kind of uncomfortable, and I was excited to get back on the road and be alone again. And I want to dive inside that feeling, that discomfort, because I feel like some truths about myself lie inside there. It’s too fresh to be clear on why I felt uncomfortable, but I want to capture that feeling. I felt a bit trapped, and maybe a bit frustrated, but I’m not exactly sure why. Johanna and her friends were definitely guarded - in a very healthy, normal way that you would be with a stranger. But after my experiences with the Oregon Country Fair, and with Emily - who is amazingly open - and some of the other folks I’ve met on the road, I feel like I’m in a deeply open and vulnerable spiritual place that these folks just weren’t in tune with, at that moment (through no fault of their own of course).
Vulnerable. That’s the right word. I feel very vulnerable right now, and I think I’m drawn to others who feel similarly vulnerable. Vulnerability, openness, spirituality. I feel ready to change, confident with who I am, willing to reveal that to the world. I feel like I could meet someone at this coffee shop right now and 5 minutes later be telling them my darkest fears and listening to them discuss their own. I’m done with trying to hide from things, and people, and put up walls, and pretend. Even the sort of normal socially acceptable amount of hiding and guardedness that comes from just a normal circle of friends trying to meet a stranger struck the wrong chord with me energetically. Most of their morning conversation was a fun, light, interesting if somewhat prosaic conversation about how gross bugs are, and I think on a different day, at a different time, I would definitely have been 100% into it, but I felt like I had to force it a bit. Johanna was a bit guarded about having me stay with her - at least at first - because her roommates were gone. And I can totally understand that, she didn’t feel comfortable right away with having a strange guy in her house. That’s perfectly normal. The fact is that I definitely was attracted to her, and even though I certainly wasn’t going to act on those feelings, I think the tension in the air made her guarded. Which - I want to emphasize - is perfectly normal and natural and fine. But, because of where I’m at in life, I am definitely paying special attention to, or attracted to, people who are just feeling exceptionally open and vulnerable. Obviously I’m here, opening up some pretty deep and uncomfortable feelings for the world to read. I’ve already irritated at least one person, and I’m sure I’ll annoy a few more before I’m done. In some ways this is a particularly selfish act, but I don’t see that as so much of a bad thing. I want deeply to love others, but first I have to love myself.
I’m so excited to get back on the road! Montana here I come!
