The last thing my yoga guru said to me, before he passed away, was “Chill the Fuck Out”.
OK,OK, so he didn’t pass away, I just went out of town.
And he isn’t really my guru (they prefer the word “mentor” now). But he *did* tell me to CTFO, which was excellent advice. He noticed - and, honestly, this does not take an incredibly perceptive person - that I tend towards being a bit anxious or high strung - at least the San Francisco version of me does - and I was asking him a bunch of questions about yoga and food for the trip. You would think he would be all about the healthy eating and yoga and stuff, but his advice was just to do my thing; to ignore all that crap and just immerse myself in whatever comes.
Part of my anxiety is this feeling, this sense that I need to be doing things the best possible way, the right way, that I have to be perfect or else. It’s kind of honestly a fear of death - this idea that we only get one shot, and OH MY GOD WHAT IF WE SCREW IT UP. I was wondering when that particular voice would rear its ugly head. For the first few days, I was so impressed with myself that I had left on this trip at all that that fact kept the voice at bay. Which was nice. But, eventually, it crept back again. First it was the way I was spending my nights. I brought this tent, thinking I would camp. But every night I got to the place I was going and I just didn’t want to camp. I didn’t want to be outside, I didn’t want to be cold, I just…didn’t want to camp. So, I didn’t. I also had told myself that I would do this warmshowers/couchsurfing thing. And I did try, one night, but it didn’t work out. So there I would find myself, in some random place, and out comes the credit card. Last night, I had gone as far as to make a reservation at an RV park outside of town (Crescent City). But…here I am, in the Front St. Inn, having taken about a 10 minute hot shower.
Next, it was the way I was eating. Tonight I ate at McDonalds for the second time on the trip. Why? Well, they have free and reliable WiFi, they’re cheap, they have big windows so I can keep an eye on my bike, they stay open late…and I’m hungry. So…I hate myself.
The irony is thick. Here I am, biking hundreds of miles across the country, and instead of being proud of myself, I’m upset because I’m *not biking incredibly long distances well enough*. I can already see a conversation unfolding with some hipster acquaintance back in SF: “You biked through the California Coast and *stayed at motels*? What kind of corporate shill nature-hating monster are you? And you ate at *McDonalds*??!?!? Gaaaack cough cough spit hack hack” -falls over dead from sheer angst-.
Sigh.
So, yeah. What is it about that? I mean, here’s the thing: I *do* want to eat healthy. I *do* want to camp. I’m not saying that those are bad ideas. And that voice - the voice that keeps me moving forward, and improving - I like certain aspects of that voice. But clearly things are tuned a bit wrong in the ol’ Adam noggin. And here’s the really interesting thing - in its current incarnation, that voice is *actually counterproductive*. What I’ve noticed - duh - is that I do these things, like eat at McDs, out of anxiety. They are an anxiety response, pure and simple. And the biggest source of anxiety is the voice in my head telling me not to eat at McDs!! That is what we call a “negative feedback loop”. And breaking that cycle is, arguably, the most important thing I could do with this trip, and with my life.
On a more interesting note, today I went on a jet boat tour of the Klamath river. It was incredibly gorgeous, and gave me an opportunity to kind of veg out for a few hours. I struck up a nice conversation with the couple next to me who lived in Baltimore, which reminded me of the importance of perspective - I hated Baltimore, they love it - but that's because we experience different Baltimores. They are older and live in a nice suburb of the city, I was a student living in the ghetto. Anyway, one cool thing about the Klamath is that they have a pretty sizable population of bald eagles, and we got to see a number of them in full on flight. It was pretty awesome. Also, the boat - which is like a jet ski on steroids - can do full drifts into 360 degrees, which, you know, is pretty fun. :)
