Today’s blog post is ostensibly about painting. But really, it’s about positivity.
This semester, at COCC, I decided to take a couple of art classes. One of those classes sounded really interesting; it was about color, and the use of color in design. I, of course, was thinking about color theory as it applied to things like apps, games, maybe even movies - digital art. But what the class actually turned out to be was a basic education in traditional color for painting. So, we paint. I’ve never painted, at least not since I was 8 years old. So for me, it’s been about 10% color theory, and about 90% learning to paint. And it’s a very humbling experience. A lot of things I thought I knew cold have been really opened up to me. For example, it’s been just a fact for most of my life that the three primary colors are Red, Green and Blue. But not in the world of painting; it’s Red, Blue and Yellow. And, it turns out, there are some really good reasons for this, which I won’t get into here.
Anyway, it’s been a really interesting learning experience, but also very humbling - which is where we get to the real point of the post. Over the years, I’ve done some teaching and tutoring in math, and one of the things you hear over and over again is that people are scared of math, or feel like they can never succeed at math. And often, what I’ve heard and read is that this can be because of negative messages from people around them. This is something I understood, intellectually, but I never really related to on an emotional level. Now, I do.
I am not very good at painting. That’s OK; can’t be good at everything. But my art instructor, Mrs. Platt, takes great pains to point this out. Now, I don’t think she’s a bad person. I don’t think she’s doing this on purpose. If I did, I would have dropped the class. I think that’s just how she relates to people. When I bring up my work to show it to her, the first thing out of her mouth - every time - is something critical or negative. I think she realizes this, because outside of class i’ve gotten a few emails from her that are really positive, as if she’s trying to compensate. She even sort of half-apologized for it once during class. She’s not negative to everybody; some of the students are quite good at painting. But she’s very forthright and honest - and honestly, I’m not good.
And it is profoundly disheartening.
Now, I fight through it, because I’m 37 and not 17. But replace painting with math, and replace me with one of my former tutees or students, and I can really see how having somebody just be honest - not mean, but honest - can be really demotivating. You feel like you’ll always suck, like it’s just not worth trying.
In my life, I have not been a very positive person. To put it lightly. When I was younger, my attitude towards this was “suck it”. This is who I am - I would say, or think - and if you don’t like it, tough. Can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. That sort of thing. As I got older, I realized that approach was hurtful, but I still never really figured out how to deal with my own feelings in a way that felt genuine. So my approach as an adult has been to hide. In situations where I feel negative, I try to clam up, or walk away, or say something noncommittal. And I do think this is better than just blurting out whatever’s on my mind. But it’s only a half step. I realize that one of the great challenges of the back half-to-two-thirds of my life is going to be finding a way to be genuinely positive about other people and their talents and abilities. Genuinely positive. Not fake, but really capable of seeing the potential in other people. That’s a challenge for me; it isn’t really how I was raised or taught. But it’s the way I want to be, because I want to encourage others. Or at least avoid discouraging them!