It took me a long time in life - 30 years or so, to be exact - to realize that I was a people pleaser. Now, many people who know me might be surprised by that designation. I rarely actually please people, so if I'm a people pleaser, I guess I'm not a very good one. But that isn't exactly what the phrase means, I discovered - at least not to me. Take a look at the graph below - this is what I feel like most people are thinking:
There's a universe of possibility here to move around in. Now here's what mine looks like:
See the difference? It's not that I have a problem doing something other than what someone wants me to do. It's that I tie that together with it being an aggressive act; a sign that I don't like, or am unhappy with, that person. Which of course isn't true. And it means I have trouble in certain situations. Like when dealing with people - say, in the service industry - that I disagree with. It's hard to stay positive, and stay friendly. Fundamentally, the logic goes, since I'm not doing what you want, I must not like you.
More importantly, I find it really hard to relate to someone I care about while still not doing what they want me to do. Standing up for myself makes me feel disconnected from them. Which is the opposite of how it should be; being able to be yourself and trust the other peron is a moment of intimacy, not estrangement. But because of my screwed-up graph, I find it hard to see that. Because I'm not doing what you want - the logic goes - I must not like you or be compatible with you. Which, of course, is nonsense. Nobody agrees with another person about everything, and if they did that would be creepy.
Theres a third problem here, too, a bit more subtle. Notice the center of that graph. There's sort of a "pinch point" right in the middle. Instead of freely moving around, the center is kind of stuck. Which means that, when I'm in the middle - meaning I don't have a strong preference - I get confused. I feel like I have to resolve things to one corner or the other. Seemingly minor and unimportant things become an internal referendum on whether I like a person. That false need for clarity ruins the freedom of play that can make a relationship so rich.
Of course, the goal is to not be like this anymore. I've made progress, but there's more work to do. I'm explaining this here to remind myself to keep working - and also in case it resonates with any of you out there!