It's no secret that I don't shy away from...delicate topics here in this space. A lot of times, when I talk about these kinds of things, I end up doing more harm than good. I urge anyone who reads this to read it in the spirit that it's intended, and that, if it triggers you, just smile, take a deep breath, think happy thoughts about me, and read something else. What I'm going to talk a bit about today is gender. I've been in a workshop on NVC for the last 2 days - Non-Violent Communication, with Judith Lasseter. It's a technique for conversation and dialogue that focuses on understanding; putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Perhaps because of that, I've been thinking a bit about what it's like to be a woman.
There are times in my life when I've been accused of sexism. In general, I think you can just look at my track record to see that generous and kind towards women. But I will admit there's a kernel of truth in that allegation sometimes, which is that I've been, at times, an unapologetic chauvinist. What I mean by that is that I've been eager to race to the defense of men. And I still stand by that; I don't think it's helpful when people (men or women) talk about "all men" or complain about "men" as if they are some sort of monolithic group.
But that's not what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about is the ways in which it is clearly true that women get the short end of the stick; the unseen and historically unacknowledged advantages that men have. I was thinking about this especially during this workshop in the context of men in "clasroom-type" settings. When I was a child, in school, and in other school-type settings like Sunday school, I was always encouraged. I was made to feel like it was fully appropriate for me to raise my hand and ask questions, to be assertive towards the teacher and with my fellow students. At no time did I ever worry that I needed to be "proper". I was encouraged to tackle subjects like math and science. I was repeatedly assured that I would be successful, and that being successful was important, and what I needed to do to be happy. Never was it ever suggested that I could marry into wealth or happiness. Nobody ever said I should stick to certain topics or subjects. I never felt bossy or "unfeminine". But that's just in school; after the workshop, I walked alone to my car in the dark. I never felt unsafe. At no point was I worried that somebody would assault me. I asked one of my fellow students if they wanted to have dinner with me - alone - without having to worry that they might be creepy; or at least, that if they were creepy, I might have a really unfortunate experience. I basically hardly ever live in fear for my physical body, except in really extreme circumstances. It's easy to forget how chilling of an effect fear can have; even a little bit of fear.
It's important for to acknowledge that's an advantage I have that I didn't earn or really deserve. I didn't do anything special to get to feel that safety; it's just a blessing of my gender. Of course, some men feel afraid, and some women feel completely comfortable. I know a man who was raped, and I know a woman who travels the world alone without fear. But the *starting line* isn't really fair. Of course, for any given person, it's smart to just forget that fact; to spend less time dwelling on it and more time overcoming it. But for me, as a man, to not acnknowledge this essential unfairness is disrespectful and unhelpful. Of course, it's also not my *fault* that I was born a man; I didn't ask for these advantages, and I don't have to feel guilty for having them. Still, since I have them, the least I can do is give them away. To be grateful for having them, and use them to the benefit of both men and women. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to open doors, walk a woman to her car. But mostly I want to just hold space for that awareness.
That might still seem sexist. It might seem condescending. I hope not; I don't mean it that way. I know some women fight for equality; for total equality. They won't be happy until there's no difference at all. I wonder sometimes if that will ever happen, if that's even possible. I guess I'm not smart enough to know the answer. It's not the world we live in, though, and I can't make that happen. But I can try to do the best I can to be kind, to be understanding of both genders, and, in the meantime, until we reach equality, to use whatever advantage I might get to the benefit of the people around me. That's the best I can think of.