So as time starts to pass since I left the ride behind, there's more clarity that is coming and more that I feel like writing about. There are a few experiences and feelings that I've had since I left that are so striking that I really just can't help but write about them. The contrast between how I've felt since I left the trip and how I felt on the trip is just so stark. Now, I don't mean to exaggerate. The bike trips aren't perfect; it's not some kind of nirvana. Sometimes I'm cranky; sometimes other people are cranky. And nothing all that bad has happened since I left, particularly. And yet, for all that, the feeeling, the sensation is no less intense: there is a real difference in people. When I am in the Bike the US for MS world, in general, it's a positive place to be and interact with others. The people on the trip are intelligent, inquisitive, interested in me and in themselves. They tend to be understanding and gentle and kind. The people we meet along the way are grateful, intrigued. There is a lot of laughter, sharing, kindness. Yes, my clothes are dirty and there are mosquitoes and sometimes we have to eat Pop Tarts, but nobody cares because we are happy with each other.
In Real Life, there is just such a difference. To be fair, I rarely encounter behavior which I would describe as mean or evil. Rarely is anybody overtly unkind. Nobody steals my stuff or punches me in the face. But there is a lot of disinterest, mixed with a sort of unenlightened self-interest. People just seem caught up in their own worlds, barreling along, uninterested in the world around them, much less me. I've had some incidents where people I counted on to do something; something small or something big, just let me down. Again, not to be mean, but because they lacked their own time/conviction/desire to do the right thing.
The overall effect is that, when I'm on the bike trips, I feel *safe*. I don't mean physically safe; I mean emotionally safe. I feel like the people around me "have my back". I feel welcome, and wanted, and surrounded by love and kindness. It feels *really good*; like that's the way life should be *all the time*. But I don't know how to make my real life work that way. I don't, honestly, want to be on a bike 365 days a year, nor could I if I wanted to. I want to have a job and a house and a spouse and kids and a real life. But I still want that feeling of belonging, of emotional safety. Don't misunderstand; I'm grateful for what I have. I just yearn for more!! More true connection.
On a more prosaic note, I stayed tonight in a hostel here in LA's South Bay. I ran along the beach, which was beautiful. I headed out for 7.5 miles to match the team, but my hip is acting up (still from the accident) and I only made it 6 miles. So I used up 15 of my cycling miles. Headed back down to Carlsbad today.
