I suppose now is as good a time as ever to launch into the killer blog post, the wall of text. First, though, the basics: Two days ago I left Carlsbad and drove up through LA, stopping off to see somebody briefly and then head up to San Francisco. It was a hell of a drive; there was traffic, there was a brush fire, and I ended up getting in at 1:30 AM and getting 5 quick hours of sleep before launching up to Northern Nights, a music festival, with my brother, which is where I spent most of yesterday. The point of the trip was to hang out with and bond with my brother, and on that score it's been a smashing success; it's good to see him, and the good news is that, all things considered, he looks good.
It's at times like these, when I have time to think, that it really comes home how important it is that all of us each take individual responsibility for figuring out how to make ourselves happy. It's my job - or maybe even my delight - to try to figure out, out of all the ways to pass this short time on this earth, what I personally want to do. And it doesn't matter what other people think; it's just my life.
The problem is, sometimes I don't know what I want to do. The good news is that I do have some clarity around certain things. I love to work out and be active. I love Bike the US for MS. I do want a relationship.
One of the challenges is that there are so many doors you can go through that are "almost good". There are lots of things that I enjoy doing, with the right company. Take the music festival I'm at this weekend, for example. I'm having a good time; it's fun. I like the trees, the river, the yoga, the company. I even like the music. But I don't feel 100% comfortable there. It isn't exactly "my thing". I'm not sure I could even tell you why. Maybe it's a bit too image and style-conscious (but I kinda like those things, so....who knows).
At times like this, I do tend to get so confused. Sometimes that confusion even leads to a place where I feel frustrated or cynical. But the only thing I can say is that the cynical moments don't outweigh the moments of joy. Sometimes all you can do is stop and say "Do I have regrets? Am I happier than I was before? Do I feel, deep in my heart, that I'm headed the right direction?" And the answers to all of those are "Yes". So onward we go; right now, back to the festival and my brother and the river, and then points forward. Onward.
