There's a well-known parable about the frog that gets cooked in a pot because the water warms so slowly that it never realizes how much danger it's in. It happens to the best of us, when we gain weight, or stop exercising, or start drinking too much. It's hard to examine your own behavior, but sometimes there are moments, little things that make you sit up and realize "Oh, wait a second."
Anybody who knows me at all well knows that I have never been a wallflower. I've never been the kind to keep his opinion to himself. I've been loud; in person, on social media, at work. When I see something, I say something. I've never been afraid of my own opinions. I've also, though, always had anxiety issues. I've always been afraid of other people; reluctant to make friends, to expose my feelings. For a while, in San Francisco, I fought this trend through meditation and yoga, to get the anxiety under control.
Recently, I've realized that I'm scared, and depressed. I'm not enjoying the things that I used to enjoy. And at the center of this is that I'm just retreating away from people. I'm retreating because I'm scared of what they might say or do, I'm retreating because so many bad things have happened. I've lost my dreams, especially the ones that involved other people. I dreamed of starting a documentary, of opening a yoga studio. But now I hide in my apartment, and watch YouTube videos about people playing video games. And, to be honest, I've been drinking a bit more than I probably should (no, not *that* much; just a bit too much). But mostly I've just stopped interacting with other people. This really came to a head in San Diego where I often would go weeks without seeing anyone except the people I worked with, and occasionally my roommate.
And so, much like the frog, it's time to stop, before I cook in my own juices. I have plenty of reasons to be afraid. My brother's cancer isn't going anywhere. My job probably isn't coming back. I'll still have bad relationships. My parents are still crazy. But none of that is helped by just hiding in my apartment. For one thing, that just isn't *me*. Recently I went back to Austin to go to a wedding and the topic of what we were like as kids came up and I was telling people that when I was little I was the life of the party. My first word was "see", and I loved running around pointing things out to everybody, tugging on pant legs and demanding attention. That's who I am, not this craven timid thing that's emerged. It's ridiculous for me to be sad about my life; I'm healthy, I'm white, I'm rich (by most people's standards) - I have every advantage and nothing to complain about.
So, I'm saying this here, publicly: I want to re-engage with you. Whoever you are, and however you enter my life. I want to have the hard conversations - with my brother, with people I'm dating, with roommates and new jobs and people I run into on the street. And I want to rediscover my dreams; finish that app I always meant to finish, find that new job, write that video game, take that bike ride. But mostly, I want to get out there and meet people; old people, new people, any people.
If you know me, and maybe we haven't talked in a while, feel free to hit me up. I do want to see you and talk to you, I promise.