Day 18 - Portland, OR - 2014 Bike Trip, one minute at a time

Back in 2014, I rode my bike 2600 miles.  Along the way, I took a GoPro along with a special piece of equipment that made it wake up and take a picture once every minute.  Then I stuck it on my bike, mostly forgot about it, and 51 days later, I came back with 23 minutes of footage; and here it is.  I personally find it oddly fascinating; the highspeed chronology of a trip by bicycle across the heartland of the west coast.  Watch for the change in terrain and the little vignettes of rural American life when I forgot to turn the camera off.

I highly recommend watching the video in 2x speed; just click the little gear icon and select speed and then 2x.  I think it's better that way.

Day 17 - Portland, OR - Mac Book Air

Today's post might seem a bit silly or frivolous to some, but I would like to wax poetic for a bit about my MacBook Air.  He doesn't have a name, sadly, or I would call him by it.  I bought him from a chain of used electronic stores in San Francisco a few years back, and he dates back from 2011.  I've owned a lot of computers in my day, but very few of them have come to mean as much as this one has.  I've taken it all over the world, and most notably I carried it with me when I rode my bike across the country two years ago, which is where all the stickers come from.  

Why do I like this thing so much?  Well, first of all on a purely practical level, it's never let me down.  Never, in 4 years, had a single hardware or software issue.  For somebody who used to tinker with his own machines and knows what it's like to install device drivers and mess with COM ports, this is a minor miracle worth celebrating on its own.  I've used this thing in tents in the heat, rain and cold, and not even one bad pixel.  Even the battery still holds a reasonable charge.

But obviously it's more than just that.  I recognize, of course, that at some level the joy I experience in dealing with this thing, this object, actually comes from inside.  All it can do is reflect it back on to me.  But it does so quite well.  For some reason, interacting with this particular computer just makes me feel creative, productive and positive.  The keyboard is solid to type on.  The screen is pleasant; not too bright, not too dull.  And the size is so incredibly appealing.  For some reason, I have always had a fascination for small things.  Not tiny things, but small.  Efficient.  Just small enough, and no smaller.  I'm not sure why that is.  Perhaps, at some level, I've always desired to be smaller myself.  Who knows.  Whatever it is, I like things that fit.  The MacBook Air 11 is uniquely well-suited.  Every other computer I've used is either bigger than I need it to be, or too small to be truly useful.  And, of course, it doesn't hurt that Apple are such experts at hardware design.  Everything about the machine is exactly correct; there is little or no wasted space, and it's weighted well to sit comfortable in your lap.

I am considering getting a new laptop, and I've looked extensively at other options, but I think, at the end of the day, I'm likely just going to buy the most recent revision of what I already have.  And even at that, even when I do, it's likely to still be this one I throw in my pack on my next long ride.

Day 16 - Sandy, OR - Pacific Northwest Search & Rescue

Today, I participated in my first outdoor training day as a prospective trainee for PNWSAR - Pacific Northwest Search and Rescue.  PNWSAR is the main search and rescue group (there are a few others as well) for Clackamas County, the county just to the southeast of Portland and the county that includes most of Mt. Hood.  I found out about search and rescue by talking with my coworker who does SAR for Multnomah County.  A while back there was a woman in her twenties who went missing at Multnomah Falls while trail running; it was a big story and she's still missing but he went looking for her.  A while before that, they went looking for someone and actually found them, and he said it was one of the best feelings he's ever had.

Over the last few years, I've been looking for more meaning in life, and I was hoping that it might come in the form of a silver flash of insight about what I should be doing.  I still hope for that, but in the meantime, I'm finding that building  life full of things that are more rewarding that whatever I was doing before is a huge step forward - and Search and Rescue is one of those things.  It was fun to use some of the Wilderness Advanced First Aid training that I got last year at COCC.  They had told us before today to expect to just stand around and be bored but it was anything but; because I was actually the most trained member of medical staff on my team, I was made lead medical right away and had to take charge of a simulated rescue of someone with a broken tibia and fibula.  And I did a good job, if I do say so myself; and yes, it felt good.

Day 15 - Portland, OR - ZZZ Goat Ranch

As part of a class I'm taking on Animal Behavior at Mt. Hood Community College, today I had to observe animals and complete an ethogram, basically a summary of their behavior.  I chose this urban goat "ranch" in NE Portland; three goats that live in this backyard.  I thought the ethogram was really interesting, so today's post is just that!

Ethogram for Nigerian Dwarf Goats (Capra aegagrus hircus)

Observed at the “ZZZ Goat Ranch” (a house in NE Portland with a backyard) on 1/15/2016 from approximately 11am to approximately 12:30 am.

There were 3 goats, clearly domesticated, in a house backyard with a clear wire fence.

Type of Behavior: Locomotor Acts

In the hour and a half that I spent observing, the goats spent most of the time not really moving at all.  They would graze in one spot for about 3-5 minutes at least, then move at most 5 feet or so.  At some point, the goats noticed the arrival of a human family and that caused them to move.  They use an unhurried gait which is cross-gaited, that is, they will move the front right, then back left, then front left, then front right.  

They seem to have difficult bending the legs.  At one point I noted a goat attempting to reach something under the deck and he had difficulty getting his body underneath the space.  

They seem at first not very agile, but it is deceiving: I noted them placing both front hooves into a fence to reach up and over the fence.

In general, they won’t reposition their body and legs until it is absolutely necessary, using their very flexible and long necks to reach whatever they wish.

Type of Behavior: Foraging Patterns

I watched the goats eat off of some felled logs.  They use their strong jaws to pull at the strips of bark with tugging motions that involved the whole body.  They then also nibble using the front teeth, which extend, and a long and agile tongue.

The 3 goats stayed very close to each other (within 5 feet) but not touching or eating the same piece of food, and largely ignore each other even when they are very close.  They did not fight or compete for food.

At some point a family approached.  The goats are obviously conditioned to expect food from human observers.  There is a pay-for-food station nearby and the goats were clearly expecting food, which they received.  When eating the small chunks of goat food, they extend the tongue long to slurp up the individual pellets.

As foragers they are definitely grazers; they stay upright and extend the neck down to the ground to eat.  They will eat a good portion, then they will raise the neck, and chew the cud by moving the lower jaw back and forth laterally against the top jaw.  I watched at least one instance of them swallowing and then regurgitating cud as well.

Type of Behavior: Maintenance Activities

Despite it being quite a cold day (40-42 degrees F), the goats made no move to hide, or take shelter, instead standing exposed.  They have a long and thick coat.

They preen occasionally, and use their long necks and long tongues to move the mouth almost to the entire rear of the body, pulling at the fur with the front teeth with the long elastic almost giraffe-like neck.

Ears are kept projected from the body, listening for sounds.  They track movement by moving the entire head, but the impression I received was that they have poor eyesight and seem to be more keen on sound.  The ears move independently from the head and each other and track the sound.

They will occasionally shimmy or shake the entire head and upper torso; it’s not clear why but it resembled, to me, the motion of a dog shaking off water.

Type of Behavior: Specialized Behavior

I did not observe the goats long enough to see anything particular, except for the motion to chew the cud I described earlier, and their specialized interactions with the humans, as domesticated animals.

Questions about Behavior

Obviously, with domesticated animals, I’m always curious as to which behaviors I observed are “native” to the species and which come from domestication.  I noticed two almost entirely separate behavior patterns: before the human family approached, and in interacting with the family.  Was the behavior I noted before the family arrived more indicative of native behavior?

What is their behavior like when resting?  I noticed that they really preferred a standing posture.  Do they sleep standing up?  Do they continue to preen when resting?

What is their eyesight really like?  They gave an impression of poor eyesight: seeming to stare blankly, for example, but tracking the source of sounds.  Is that a mistaken impression?

What would they be like in a larger, or non-enclosed space?  Would they range over a wide area?  Would they separate or stay close together as they did here?

Day 14 - Portland, OR - Planet Granite

Rock climbing is awesome.  The first time I got introduced to it, I was asked to teach yoga as a substitute at the Planet Granite in San Francisco.  They told me that since I was teaching, I could take their "belay class" for free.  I had no idea what that was, but I figured, hey, I'm a sucker for anything athletic, and anything free.  It would be awesome if the next part of this story was how I instantly fell in love with it, but that didn't happen.  I sucked at it, and I have a hard time getting motivated for things that I suck at.  So I mostly let it drop; I went back a few times, since I could go for free, but when I stopped teaching there, I stopped going.  It was inconvenient and kind of expensive. 

But when I came up to Portland, I really wanted to get involved in the outdoors scene.  I started mountaineering, and it became clear that a lot of folks who mountaineer also rock climb.  Rock climbing isn't a huge part of mountaineering unless you're doing certain difficult mountains, but it is a useful skill.  So I made a point of joining up.  Now I go at least 2 or 3 times a week.  And I love it. 

I think, for me, it combines a few things I enjoy.  First of all, it's a total body workout, including core, which is difficult for me to motivate myself to do.  I find that it makes me feel better; more confident, more able to "occupy my place", as one of my old yoga instructors would say.  It also is structured well to reward: you attempt a route, you finish it, you feel good.  There are ranks, which is kind of like your "score".  It's a sport where it's easy to know how you're doing; nothing vague about it.  And, maybe one of the best parts is: you have to have a partner.  To top rope, which is a lot of what I do, you need to have a belay partner.  And this is nice, because it makes people form a community.  You physically can't do it without help.

In particular, I really love Planet Granite.  I've tried some of the others here in Portland, and they all are nice, but PG is my favorite.  It's clean, and modern, and smells good (this can be an issue with climbing gyms!).  They have free yoga classes, and the quality of the classes is excellent.  And they offer exercise classes and exercise equipment.  Plus, they're only 5 blocks from where I live right now. 

If you have any interest in feeling better about yourself through athletics, I recommend giving it a shot.  It's a very self-affirming experience, and you'll make some friends. 

Day 13 - Portland, OR - Sun Salutations

Since the title of this blog is Adam Hunter *Yoga*, I guess it’s time we finally got around to some yoga!  Recently I’ve started a micro-practice of doing 10 sun salutations every day.  What is a micro-practice?  Well, I’ve started doing a number of things to try to improve myself that only take somewhere around 5-10 minutes each day.  I figure, for my personality type, that’s a good match and there’s a chance I’ll actually do it.  It’s all well and good to say you’ll get to a yoga class every day, but that’s a 1 and a half to two hour commitment, and some days it just isn’t going to happen.  But doing 10 sun salutations only takes about 5 minutes, including rolling the mat out and back - once you get in the groove, anyway.

So what is a sun salutation?  Well, other folks have done a better job of describing it than I can whip up in a short time, so I'll just point you to this article: http://wildernessdave.com/yoga-practice-for-hikers-sun-salutation/.  A sun salutation is essentially the basis of modern vinyasa.  It's not really an ancient practice; it combines elements of ancient practice with some modern understanding of alignment.  It's a good way of stretching out the spine but it also is a bit of a meditative flow.  Those of you with bad backs will want to be careful; there's a few modifications I suggest.  First of all, don't "jump" back into the chaturanga.  Just step back.  Second, don't go into a full upward dog unless you are very confident in your alignment.  Just do a low cobra.  Basically, if it hurts, twinges, or feels funny, leave it out until you can meet with a yoga teacher and go over it in person.  But done properly, a sun salutation can be an amazing tool for slowing the heart rate down, getting the blood moving a little bit, and setting the body up right.

Day 12 - Portland, OR - Quentin Tarantino

What could Quentin Tarantino and David Bowie have in common?  Fresh off of yesterday's blog post and news about Bowie's passing, I went with my friend Lauren and a friend of hers to see Quentin Tarantino's new epic The Hateful Eight.  We got to see it in this special way; a 70mm ultra panavision print that has various aspects of awesomeness that would only mean something to serious film buffs.  My spoiler-free review of the movie was that it was highly entertaining. 

But what struck me; juxtaposed with what I posted about yesterday, was this: The Hateful Eight is, without a doubt, the best possible version of The Hateful Eight there could possibly be.  What I mean is this: if you didn't like that movie, the way he made it, then you just basically don't like Quentin Tarantino movies.  This is not to suggest that everyone will like it; in fact, far from it.  Many people will not.  Maybe even most.  But if what you are looking for is an experience like that one, then it is the best one I've ever seen. 

And that brings me back to David Bowie.  Many people will like Bowie and not like Tarantino at all, and vice versa.  Some will like both, some will like neither.  But what the two of them share, in my opinion, is this: they know who they are, they have the guts to stay true to that, and they have the talent to do the best possible job of doing what it is they do.  I met Quentin Tarantino once, years ago, in a bathroom in Austin, TX, and I can say this: the man is excited about filmmaking.  He loves it.  And, just like Bowie, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he puts out a movie the week before he dies.

I think this is something that all artists/actors/heroes I admire have in common; I could not tell them how to do a better job of being themselves.  They nailed it.  Even if I could magically change something about their art, all I could do would be to make them a different artist.  Not better. 

Day 11 - Portland, OR - David Bowie

There are many things one could write about a life as awesome as David Bowie's.  For many, of course, it will be about the music, and its effect on their lives.  I, personally, have always enjoyed Bowie's music, but I've never been a "fan".  I mean, I sing along when "Major Tom" comes on the radio.  I always loved Ziggy Stardust, and the stories he was able to tell.  So, yes, I liked his music.  A lot. 

But what really resonates with me, as I think about his death, is this: as the man was dying of cancer, he put out an album.  He recorded and released a music video the week before his death.  Yes, that's right, that means that, knowing he was going to pass soon, and having literally only days to live, he went to work. 

How many of us could say that's what we would do with our last few days on this earth?  Would you go to work if you were going to die of cancer next week?  Do you love what you do enough that's what you want to spend your time doing, even if it is quite literally your last day? 

I just think that's really inspirational.  I will admit to not being there in life.  But that's where I want to go. 

Thanks for going to work, David.  You did a great job. 

Day 10 - Hood River, OR - Snowshoeing

I'm writing this in a car back from Hood River where today we did 6 miles up Bald Butte on snowshoes.  snowshoes are a bit of the red-headed stepchild of the outdoors scene.  A lot of people poo-poo it because they don't have that cool factor.  But it's great exercise, and some trails are just made for snowshoes.  It's perfect when there's som slight elevation gain or loss and the snow is either fluffy or icy.  Sometimes it's too slick to walk and too steep to cross country ski.  One thing I've learned about snowshoes is that it's worth it to get a nice pair.  Sometimes people are surprised by how much they cost.  They seem simple.  But a good pair gives you two things: lower weight, and better straps.  Every pound on your feet is like 5 pounds on your back, so shaving weight off your feet is worth it.  And straps are important; my biggest complaint about snowshoes is that they come off your feet, and always at the most inopportune times.   Much like cross country skiing you get to see some amazing vistas; but unlike skiing they can be on top of a mountain!

Day 9 - Portland, OR - The Singing Revolution

Those of you who may know me well know that - for whatever reason - the nation of Estonia keeps winding its way in and out of life.  Recently, Kadri told me about this amazing event, the Singing Revolution.  Part of my fascination with Estonia is the way it was occupied by the Soviets, and my general fascination with Soviet era and communism.  Having visited Cuba and gotten a taste of it firsthand, I find fascism repugnant but also incredibly fascinating.  I'm also a big fan of meditation and non-violent communication.  So what better than the story of a nation - successfully - throwing off the yoke of fascism via entirely non-violent means.  

Read this Wikipedia article and see if you aren't fascinated.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Singing_Revolution

Day 4 - Portland, OR - Squares

As part of my work creating urban murals, I spent a bit of time today creating this web page that shows off some of my work...it's primitive, but it gives you a sense of what I like to do.

http://www.adamhunter.net/squares/squares.html

Day 3 - Portland, OR - Quietude

Some of you may know that I have in the past written apps for a living.  You may also be aware that I'm really into meditation.  I believe in the power of meditation and I really wanted an app which would help me focus on doing a daily meditation.  So I wrote one, and here it is: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/quietude/id996331371?mt=8

Quietude is focused on the stillness and quiet of meditation.  It is made to be incredibly simple: just pick from one of three time lengths (2, 5, or 10 minutes) and stay quiet for the duration of time.  There are a couple of soothing displays to choose from, and a bell chimes at the end.  Staying quiet was the aspect I chose to focus on because I felt it was underrepresented in the meditation apps I saw out on the store already.  To me, it's a key component of quieting the mind, and something hard to find in the modern world.

The app is free.  I hope you like it!

Day 2 - Portland, OR - Portland Bridges

Some of you may recall that for the last few years I've been working on an urban photojournalism project called Squarcity.  I divide urban areas up into geographical regions and produce artwork that is sort of half-map, half-mural.  Well, I finally finished the montage for my new adopted city, Portland.  It became quickly clear after moving here that the handle by which I would hold on to Portland would be the many bridges over the Willamette and Columbia.  So my final project is a wheel, arranged from the South to the North, of the 10 main bridges of Multnomah County.  It took a while to complete because the weather simply wasn't allowing for photography, but we finally had some nice clear weather today.

This image, like the others I've done, will eventually become part of an app I'm working on that allows and encourages people to create their own montages of various cities around the world.  But for now, enjoy Portland!

DAY 1 - SAN FRANCISCO - ANTIFRAGILE

A friend of mine recently suggested a book to me called "Anti-Fragile".  It's by the man who wrote Black Swan.  I'm only about 30 or so pages in, but I've already found it pretty compelling, and perhaps a tool that can guide my next year.  I think the concept he's come up with is cool.  Traditionally, people talk about a system being either fragile, or robust.  But this author introduces a third concept: anti-fragile.  The idea is this: things that can't deal with change we call fragile.  Things that can deal with change we call robust.  But these "robust" things are just able to *resist* change.  And, as we all instinctively know, this robustness always has limits.  Eventually everything breaks down, or, as the book title says, Things Fall Apart.  But if some things respond negatively to change, and some things stay the same, why not have things that actually *benefit* from change?  That's what anti-fragile is.  An anti-fragile thing, or person, or system, is one that actually thrives on change, volatility, the unknown, what have you.
I think in particular this is really how I feel when I travel.  Some people are fragile; they never want to leave the comfort of their bubble.  (And there's nothing wrong with that, by the way).  Other people try to be "robust" when they travel.  I think of the British of the Downton Abbey generation: wherever they went, they had tea in the afternoon.  Even if that made no sense.  A robust traveler is the kind that tries to anticipate eventualities and difficulties; the kind that hires a tour company to get rid of the randomness.  But when I travel, I *want* that chaos.  In fact, the chaos and change is why I travel.  If I didn't find it I'd be disappointed.  A destination that only gives me what I was expecting is kind of a waste of time.  One of my favorite things to do when I visit places is go to a grocery store.  The tourist traps all look the same around the world, a carefully crafted travel robustness.  But grocery stores are just local chaos; random and interesting.
I'm not trying to be judgmental here.  If taking tours to foreign countries on air-conditioned tour buses makes you happy, then by all means, go for it!  But for me, I want to invite that chaos in.  And I think it's time to really embrace that across the board.  So, 2016: bring it on!

By the way - On this, the first day of the new year, one of my resolutions is to restart this blog. 

Day 448 - North Bonneville, WA

To the guy who told me, on the trail, that Beacon Rock was his "church": I feel ya, buddy. 

Day 449 - Portland, OR

Portland, Day 1: While riding my bike to work, I pulled up next to a woman carrying a big container on a bike sled.  Normally I wouldn't talk to people, but I was feeling Portland-y, so I said "Good morning", and then, after a societally acceptable pause, I asked if anything interesting was in the box.  "Vacuum cleaner", she says.  "I'm going to work".  I paused, looked away, then looked back and said "I was about to say 'that sucks', but then I thought better of it."  She chuckled, then said "Oh, it's not so bad."  I paused again.  "No, you see, because it's a vacuum cleaner."  She chuckled again.  The light turned green and pulled away.

Portland.

Day 444 - San Francisco, CA

Today I want to talk about Bernie Sanders.  Specifically, a speech he gave on Monday at Liberty University.  I won't rehash the details; it's easy enough to Google.  And, in fact, you should - and read the next few pieces you find, specifically a piece at Salon, or one at Vox.  

After the speech, a lot of digital ink was spilled talking about it.  It obviously struck a chord with folks.  There's the obvious Man Bites Dog angle: the oddity of a socialist, atheist Jew, speaking at one of the most conservative Christian schools in the country.  But it seemed to resonate on a deeper level than that.  Over and over, I read words that are not commonly associated with politics, such as "respect", and "compassion".  I realized that, for the first time in a long time, we were seeing the values of Non-Violent Communication modeled by an actual sitting politician; not only that, but one who aspires to be President.  And that is profound.

I encourage you to watch the entire speech, which I will link at the bottom.  But I want to quote a section of it:

I believe from the bottom of my heart that it is vitally important for those of us who hold different views to be able to engage in a civil discourse.

That, my friend, is profound.  He continues:

We go out and we talk to people who agree with us.

But it is harder, but not less important, for us to try and communicate with those who do not agree with us on every issue.

And it is important to see where if possible, and I do believe it is possible, we can find common ground.

I happen to agree with Bernie Sanders' message, and his political views.  But that almost doesn't matter.  What strikes me about him his is honesty and humility.  He is not, to be frank, the most eloquent of speakers.  He is not necessarily the most attractive, polished or slick.  I don't feel the emotional swings and highs that I felt listening to Obama.  But what he is, is honest.  He is unvarnished.  He is unwavering in his beliefs; but one of those beliefs is to not be unwavering in his beliefs.  One gets the impression that, were you to catch him in an off moment, unguarded, he would be exactly the same.  That alone is worth applauding in this ridiculously packaged world we now face, where each of us has a carefully crafted Facebook page.

I salute you, Bernie Sanders.  For doing the right thing, while trying to run for President.  Not an easy task, by any means.

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) speaks at Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA. He did Q&A following his remarks. Watch the complete event here: http://cs.pn/1EXH2Sy

Day 443 - San Francisco, CA

Today I want to talk about patterns.  This weekend I had an interesting thing happen to me.  I drove up and back to Portland from San Francisco.  This is a drive I've done a few times, maybe as many as 5 or 6.  I did the drive by myself and was largely trying to do it as fast as reasonably possible.  Along the way, I of course had to stop for gas, pee breaks and food.  And several times during the trip, I had the weirdest thing happen: I will pull over, for example to get gas, only to realize that I was stopping at the exact same gas station I had stopped at last time.  The first time this happened, I thought it was an interesting coincidence.  But it kept happening.  With absolutely no planning or forethought, I kept stopping at the exact same places - to eat, to get gas, to use a rest stop.  I assure you I was not attempting to do this or even thinking about where I had been last time.  In fact, if you were to ask me, consciously, to tell you where I stopped, I wouldn't be able to tell you.  None of the places I stopped was particularly great or notable or interesting.  I just happened to stop at the exact same places. 

And it got me thinking about patterns.  Patterns in our lives.  Things we do without even thinking about it.  Somewhere, in the back of our brain stem, a chunk of our brain is busy keeping us warm, safe, and well fed, and that chunk of brain has little or no imagination.  It isn't interested in moving us forward or in thinking new thoughts; it's interested in not perishinig from the earth (and, possibly, in reproduction).   

So, OK: we do things repeatedly, unconsciously, and in patterns.  (Or at least I do).  What does this mean?  I guess for me, it means that it would be interesting just to pay more attention.  I also think that it's an interesting reason why I need to move to Portland.  Many people have asked why I'm moving, and sometimes I didn't have the best answer.  The main reason is because I feel like I need a new environment, filled with the kinds of things and people I want to be part of my life.  And I guess this weekend shows why.  I want the part of my brain that makes easy choices to decide to go hiking instead of sit inside, to make friends instead of shrink, to go climbing, hiking and biking.  I want that to be *easy*, not hard, so that I'll do it.  And I also just want to break patterns; hard-earned patterns of San Francisco that I've worn in after 8 years. 

Day 451 - Angels Rest Trailhead, Columbia Gorge, OR

This weekend I was really depressed.  I want to write about this, openly, because I feel like there's such a stigma around depression and anxiety.  It's hard, to write openly about.  Even writing on this blog, I worry that maybe some future employer, or future girlfriend, will read this and get nervous or scared.  But I guess, at the end of the day, one of the things I've figured out is that people that can't deal with someone having feelings are people I don't want to be involved with anyway.  And I think it's important, just to be open about feelings, even when they're not the ones we want.  I'm depressed, and that's part of who I am.  It doesn't define me, but it's in there somewhere.  Part of the show. 

One of the things I realized this weekend is that, someplace deep down, I'm still trying to win the approval of my parents.  My parents were emotionally unavailable.  They just didn't tell me very often that I was a good person, and more importantly, they didn't like talking about emotions, especially the "bad" ones.  I deeply wanted their approval - as all kids do - and I rarely got it.  So, as an adult, I seek out emotionally unavailable people, and try to win their approval, as if by doing so I can prove to myself that I'm a good enough person to get my parents to love me.  Sometimes, it even works, and I win that person's approval for a while, and of course I immediately get addicted to that approval; I crave it.  At some point, either because that person gets creeped out by my addiction, or because they are, you know, emotionally unavailable, the approval stops coming, and like an addict, I get increasingly desperate for it.  The withdrawal, when it leaves, is crushing.  And then I start the cycle back up, looking for the next person who can give me my fix.  Oftentimes, it's attractive women of the type that ayurveda would call "vata"; the wind type, people with their own anxiety, people who are - often unintentionally - self-centered and full of themselves.  I don't know if it's fair to say that they're bad people, but it's definitely true that they're unhealthy, especially for me. 

The larger point is: it's OK to be depressed.  It's always OK.  It's never bad.  It's not desirable, maybe, or something to seek out, definitely, but it isn't bad, and it doesn't make you a bad person.  It's important to get to the bottom of it, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. 

Day 448 - San Francisco, CA

Today I want to write about humility.  My apologies for those of you outside the tech world, because I'm going to write about it by association to an event I witnessed yesterday.  Some of you will know exactly what I'm talking about, while others might be confused, but just stick around and it should make sense.  Yesterday was one of Apple's big tech release extravaganzas.  They do this semi-frequently; get up on stage and trumpet one of their new releases.  Of course other companies do this too, but Apple gets way more recognition, and also turns up the showmanship and the self-aggrandizement to epic levels.  These events are not conferences; they are carefully planned and choreographed parties for Apple.  Which is why it was doubly surprising that yesterday, during their big launch, they invited an executive on stage - from Microsoft.

To truly understand what a big deal this is, you'd have to be immersed in the tech scene over the last 20 years.  Microsoft and Apple are like Arsenal and Manchester United, or like the Steelers and the Browns.  Or maybe like the U.S. and the Soviet Union.  There's certainly a level on which the companies are competitors; but it goes deeper than that.  There's a fanboyism to the whole thing.  The two have different ideologies, different home towns, even different color schemes.  There's a story arc to their competitiveness.  And yet, not only did Apple invite Microsoft on stage - Microsoft accepted.

Why am I writing about this today?  Because what struck me was humility.  Humility is one of those virtues we often overlook, and it's something I've really been trying to focus on the last few years.  There was a time when Apple was led by Steve Jobs and Microsoft by Steve Ballmer and those two guys just didn't like each other very much.  Microsoft was pompous and ornery, and Apple was egotistical and snarky.  And not only was a lot of emotional ink spilled, but likely money was left on the table.  Then along come Tim Cook and Satya Nadella.  All of a sudden Microsoft is building tools for Android, and Apple is inviting Microsoft onstage.  It may make for good copy to lambast and cajole, but in the end, it makes good business sense to embrace and accept.  Through a series of market events, both were driven to cooperate, or at least be nice to each other.  And I think there's a lesson to be learned here.  Like parents who get along for the sake of the kids, or neighbors who put aside their differences to live in peace, in the end, peace is good and calm and sane and helpful.  Rhetoric and bombast and Donald Trump might seem like a fun release, but cooperation will win every time.

And I am much more likely to buy Microsoft products, knowing that their committed to playing nice, than I would be if they were still angry.