Today I’d like to talk about Dating. I specifically capitalized the word, because I’m going to distinguish in a minute between Dating and dating. I realize this is a topic that may not fascinate everyone. Some of you will roll your eyes in disgust. Some of you are lucky enough not to have to worry about this crap anymore. For those of you, I refer you this article: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/24-things-single-people-are-tired-of-hearing#3ivm1zi which pretty well sums it up.
I believe that I may have gone on one of my last Dates this week. I was hooked up with a woman from a service that I use, called It’s Just Lunch, which has the unenviable task of trying to matchmake with San Francisco adult singles, which is a bit like trying to get Palestinians and Israelis to agree. This woman - who runs a dating blog, which should have been my first clue that something was amiss - was charming, intelligent, and very attractive. She had played Belle in a San Francisco production of Beauty and the Beast. She was poised and interesting, and seemed relatively down to earth. Our first date was short but pleasant and I liked her laugh, so we agreed to meet for a second date. I pulled out all (OK, some) of the stops: picked her up in my car, bought a single rose, picked a nice place with live music. The date seemed to go reasonably well, with a hiccup or two. But as the night ran on, it became clear that something was missing, and this date would go into the circular file along with all the others before it. And it’s not like that was just her decision; I felt that way too. Of course, if she had agreed to a third date I would have said yes (mostly because she was really hot), but even I couldn’t deny that there was definitely something missing. There was no magic. We were just two people who were desperately trying to find a reason to not just go home and watch TV.
I have been on over 700 dates in my time in San Francisco over the course of 6+ years. That is a large number, and I believe it qualifies me to discuss dating in general. I’ve done OKCupid, Match, eHarmony, It’s Just Lunch, Hinge, How About We, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel. I’ve done it all. And I think I may be winding that phase of my life to a close.
Let’s take a second and be clear about what I mean when I use the word Dating (as opposed to dating). There are a few basic criterion that I will use to define a Date:
1) The two people involved know almost nothing about each other and have no shared real world context. (or have learned everything they think they know about each other online, which - to be honest - is basically the same thing)
2) There is some hope or expectation on both parties’ parts that a romantic relationship of some kind might be in the cards.
3) The meeting - which is happening face-to-face - is for the express purpose of seeing if some kind of romantic relationship might emerge.
I will assert - to the chagrin of all the companies I just named - that under these circumstances, finding any kind of actual love is so incredibly difficult as to be essentially not worth a person’s time. That is, you would be better off - especially as a man, who has to pay for these things - investing your time and energy elsewhere. That’s not to say that it never works. I personally know a few folks who have met the future love of their life on one of these services. But those are the exceptions that prove the rule. It’s like saying that, because you know a friend who signed up for a gym and lost a lot of weight, that signing up for a gym is a great way to lose weight. It’s certainly *correlated*, in some cases, with losing weight. But there are also plenty of folks who sign up and end up terribly disappointed.
Basically, the problem is this: human affection is something we feel most when we are most at peace with ourselves and our surroundings. And a Date is almost constructed to make us feel the opposite. Consider a few things about your typical First Date:
1) Oftentimes, the two people involved are doing something they normally wouldn’t do on their own. I hardly ever go out to a bar and get a drink with my friends, but most of my First Dates start that way.
2) There is an essential asymmetry born of gender roles that makes both parties mildly uncomfortable. The man feels a need to take charge, pay for the date, pick a location, etc. The woman feels a need to be appreciative, show support, follow his lead, etc.
3) Neither party is in comfortable surroundings. At best, things are fun and vibrant, at worst loud and distracting.
4) There is enormous pressure. Here is the potential mother/father of your child, future husband/wife, etc.
5) There is absolutely no context. Much like texting or email, words can get misinterpreted, stories blown out of proportion, small “giveaways” turn into huge issues.
So, if this is true, and if online dating basically just doesn’t work, then what is the alternative? Well, first, embracing this fact frees up a lot of time and energy. I spent - until recently - a lot of time checking and re-checking, and a lot of energy and money going on these fruitless first dates. Second, obviously I have to meet people in other ways. Essentially, I have to break one of those 3 rules. Either I have to go on dates with people I already know, or with people with whom I am not actively trying to start a relationship. Both, I think, have some merit. I think there’s room for the “friend date”. But the real winner is obviously meeting people “IRL”. Let’s consider, for example, the reverse of the above, when you meet someone at work:
1) You meet doing something you presumably want to do anyway (even if just for the money).
2) Although gender roles might intrude, there’s less of a sense of immediate asymmetry; nobody is buying anybody dinner.
3) Both parties are on their “home turf”, so to speak. And usually workplaces are a nice place to have a conversation.
4) There’s no pressure. You’re there to work anyway.
5) There’s lots of context. First of all, you both work for the same place, and you know some things about each other, maybe from shared coworkers. People have vouched for you.
Of course, these things apply as well to meeting through hobbies, or church, or whatever.
I am not so naive as to say that I will never go on a First Date again. The allure is undeniable, especially because - like the lottery - it does pay off, sometimes. But I increasingly feel like there’s better ways for me to spend my time.