In vino veritas, as they say. I’m going to blame the wine for what’s about to happen here, which is me waxing philosophical about relationships, for about the millionth time. The good news is that it won’t be exclusively about romantic relationships, and it won’t be whiny.
I am aware that most dialectics are false. That is a fancy way of saying that we force ourselves into false choices: for example, being honest or lying, being in shape or not in shape, being short or tall, etc. The truth of the human condition is that almost everything is on a continuum. But, with that as the background, one of the main debates that’s emerged in my understanding of human relationships is this idea of the way that we communicate with people we care about it. For lack of better terms, I’ll call these two styles the Communicator and the Lover. What follows is absurdly oversimplified, of course, but this is just the way that I see it, or think about it at least. For the Communicator, what’s most important is communication. Honest and open communication. Communication - so the Communicator would say - will solve all problems. Light removes the darkness, etc. etc. This sort of person is inclined to feel that intimacy comes from dropping your guard, losing all your anxieties, and baring your soul to another human being, warts and all. To this person, the worst sin you can commit is to withhold your true self. This is the sort of person that says on a first date that they want to know “who you really are.”
For the Lover, what’s most important is Love. Love means many thing to many people, of course, but in this context what I mean is affection, care, and respect. Love - so the Lover would say - will solve all problems. Love conquers all, etc., etc. This sort of person is inclined to feel that intimacy comes from wanting the best for another person, and wanting to be your best for another person - from caring about that person almost more than you care about yourself, being willing to do anything for their happiness, feeling connected to them by a soaring wind that lifts both of your souls. To this person, the worst sin you can commit is to do harm to the other person, especially intentionally. This is the sort of person that says on a first date that they want “someone they can really love”.
I am not going to argue that Love or Communication are good or bad. First of all, I don’t believe in good and bad in human interaction, just choices. But more than that, I think most of us would agree - certainly I feel - that both Love and Communication are super good things and important. But the interesting thing about life is our choices, or put another way our priorities. And it’s when Love and Communication come into conflict that the true interesting stuff emerges. Now, some would say that Love and Communication are never in conflict. (I find, by the way, that these people are mostly Communicators). But that’s the easy way out. Anyone who’s been in a real serious relationship knows that isn’t always true. (By the way, I’m not just talking about romantic relationships here. I also mean your relationship with your parents or kids, friends, coworkers, anyone). Sometimes there’s just no way to simultaneously be totally and 100% open and honest and not hurt the other person - especially temporarily.
Put in this extreme way, both of these philosophies clearly have problems. Nobody would condone being completely communicative if your most deep and honest desire is to abuse the other person. On the other hand, this isn’t the 1950s anymore, and I think we’re all aware that our spouse/friend/parent is not a paragon of perfection meant to be idolized as the second coming. Today’s relationships are real and messy and by and large, that’s probably a good thing. But it’s the margins here that really resonate with me - the space in between.
Right now, for example, I am starting a type of relationship with someone that I am beginning to have a good deal of trust for. We’ll leave it very vague right now what the nature of that relationship is, and I’ll do that on purpose, because I think these issues are universal. I know enough about this person to tentatively feel that they are worthy of my respect and admiration and affection. But, right now - for reasons beyond their control, to some extent - they are incredibly stressed out. They know this, they’re aware of it, and they claim vehemently that this is not the way they usually are. I have encountered a lot of very stressed out people in my life, and I have become allergic to their behavior patterns. Nobody likes stressed out people - but I *really* don’t like them. They, well, stress me out. Part of my personal philosophy is to avoid becoming stressed out because I know how much it affects my own behavior. Stressed people are selfish, rude, unreliable, even occasionally angry. And this person is being all of those things, to some extent.
If I were to ask a Communicator, they would tell me that I should be open about this with the other person. They would say something like “explain to them that, while you respect them and you know this is just a phase they’re going through, that their behavior affects you and stresses you out, and that while you support them in this transition, you just want to be honest about how it’s making you feel.” The Lover, on the other hand, is already shaking their head, aghast. The Lover would firmly avoid that topic. They would show this person how much they are loved and wanted by focusing on their needs - especially at this hard time - and becoming a team member, getting that person through it by telling them how much they believe in them, that they can do it, etc.
I see the advantages to both these strategies. Being honest avoids later resentment. When it works, honesty builds intimacy. However, there’s something nice about being pampered, especially when you’re stressed. When I’m stressed, that’s the last time I need to hear that my behavior is affecting someone else because now I feel even more guilty and stressed. Stressed people may not be able to really handle that sort of “learning moment”, especially in the moment.
A good guideline in messy situations like this is, of course, the Golden Rule: treat others the way you would want to be treated. But what’s hard is, I’m not really stressed right now. So it’s easy to just say “I’d want someone I care about to be honest with me.” Because, generally, I do believe in honesty. But: would I? Really? If I was really at wits’ end, do I want a friend/lover/coworker telling me that the way I’m acting is stressing them out? Would I thank them for their honesty? You only have to look at my past behavior to tell you the answer to that question is No. I would not. I would flip out and blame the messenger. Does that make me a bad person? A bad friend? Yeah, kinda. It also makes me a human being. Nobody is so amazingly beatific that they can handle that sort of thing all the time (except maybe Fred Rogers).
So, we come back to the question: is a true friend somebody who always is on your side? Or is a true friend somebody who tells you like it is? Of course, most of us want both. But when do we do one and when do we do the other? What’s the guiding principle? All of the simple rules and paradigms don’t seem to work. It’s easy to say “do no harm”, but what is harm? Is telling somebody they’re being a jerk in their long-term interests sometimes? What about the Golden Rule? How would we like to be treated? If we’re stressing everybody out, do we want someone to tell us that? What about Love? What does it mean to Love someone? Does it mean we want them to become their best, or does it mean we accept them exactly the way they are? Or both? And, if both, then what does that really mean?
At the end of the day, I believe that the only person/people we can ever truly be 100% intimate with are those with whom we can manage to Love and Communicate at the same time, to somehow be completely ourselves but also make the other person feel like a million bucks. But that’s rare, and even when we have that relationship with someone, we won’t have it 100% of the time. Besides, we all have to have friends/coworkers/acquaintances, with whom our level of intimacy is not going to allow us to Love and Communicate, both, all the time. So the strategies for the middle ground have been on my mind a lot lately.