People tell me that one of the things they like about my blog is that I am willing to be vulnerable; I don’t shy away from delicate topics. I appreciate that, because obviously it’s hard to be open in such a public forum. I’ve gotten some blowback in my personal life about some of the things I’ve posted, but I really try hard to “keep it real”, because otherwise what the heck is the point?
Along those lines, I want to talk about a personal issue that I have a feeling is shared by others. I am afraid of people. Not necessarily those I know well - although sometimes that too - and not strangers, per se, or large groups of people. My fear is those people that I have some kind of interaction with but no basis for a trust relationship. Service providers, coworkers sometimes, classmates, anyone I come in contact with on some sort of regular-but-not-too-regular basis. Some would call this “social anxiety”, and I think that’s as good a word as any, although I’m not a psychiatrist so don’t hold me to it.
Some examples: about a week ago I made the decision that I would move out of my current living arrangement and head back to San Francisco. I don’t have the best relationship with my roommates; its not a bad relationship, but it’s an awkward one. They wanted me to be good friends with them but we’re more just housemates. Anyway, I was really nervous about telling them I was moving out. I have every legal, ethical and moral right to move out. There’s really no reasonable reason for me to be actually apprehensive about telling them. But I was. Quite apprehensive. It’s tempting to use a word other than “fear”, because that seems kind of dramatic - but it really is a fear response. I can feel myself sweating just thinking about it. And, in the end, they were minorly put out by it, a bit irritated when I did finally tell them. But it will probably be OK, they’ll get over it.
Now, this may seem minor. But it’s recently come to my attention just how much time and energy I waste on this issue. Some people don’t have social anxiety. Some, have social anxiety bad enough that they just avoid doing things. They don’t move, they don’t change jobs, they keep life on an even keel. Then there are people in the middle, who definitely find things like this nerve-wracking, but insist on doing them anyway. And I am like a pathological edge case for this scenario; I crave new things, and I hardly ever let me social anxiety get in the way of my finding new things - but I have fairly bad social anxiety. This is not a winning combination because it means that my life has the hallmarks of an extroverts’: lots of change, lots of new and sometimes amorphous relationships, plenty of acquaintances, an ever-shifting support structure. But that doesn’t really suit my psyche. It makes me nervous. So, I spend a lot of time, well, nervous.
I’m not sure what the answer to this conundrum is, if there even is one. Obviously one answer is that I could settle down; stop moving, stop changing. Someday, I suspect I *will* do this. But that time has not yet come. Another tempting platitude is to “just chill out”. But I don’t think that works. I can no more control my anxiety response to unusual or unfamiliar social situations than a person who has asthma can control their asphyxiation response. Meditation and yoga and such help, which is why I do them. But at the end of the day, I spend a lot of my time worrying about things. One thing I can do - and do - is to increasingly try to find rhythm and routine even in non-routine circumstances. Tiny habits that I can “take with me” and provide consistency. Sometimes it’s as simple as keeping the same small list of possessions with me; the same phone, the same wallet and keys. Sometimes that means eating at the same restaurants; I’ve filled out 2 different “frequent diner” cards for the same small taco stand here in Bend. Sometimes it’s an exercise routine.
I love the new. But, yeah, it stresses me out!