I had a lighter topic chosen for today, but as is often the case, the universe decided what I was going to write about. As most of you who read the blog regularly know, I make a point of being very open and honest here. I try very hard not to censor myself. I always knew that this might cause problems. In fact, it already has once before, when I wrote about sex very openly while I was dating someone who ended up not appreciating some of the things I had to say. And today, that happened for a second time. I have been writing pretty openly here for the last few days about moving to Portland. But I had not yet given notice at my job. One reason for that was that I was waiting until Friday afternoon, because I thought it might go over better then. I was somewhat aware that this might cause an issue, but I really didn't think anyone at work read my blog. Nobody at work is a Facebook friend, and I just didn't think it would be a big deal. But it turns out my boss, Paritosh, does read the blog. So, like in some bad sitcom, today we had what could charitably be called a very awkward conversation.
I regret that he found out about that fact that I am leaving my job this way. It was not my intent for that to happen. It doesn't feel like the right way of communicating. It's clear that I did something "wrong", or at least not aligned with my values. What is less obvious is what exactly the right answer is. One clear and obvious choice is to stop blogging. A close second choice would be to continue blogging, but be careful not to reveal anything too meaningful. Both of these options feel largely the same to me. That is, if I'm not going to feel open to be myself, I am not sure I want to blog at all. The third option is to just live a transparent life, and assume that everything I post here is immediately known to everyone.
Living a transparent life seems insane and dangerous. One of my good friends, upon hearing my story, made it clear that he thought I was a total moron for speaking openly. And I think he's right. The question is, should I have not blogged about it, or should I have been more immediately open with my boss? Originally, I felt that giving two weeks notice was the right hing to do. But over time, several of my past jobs, when I gave notice, escorted me out immediately. It was painful and traumatic, so I decided in the future I wouldn't give notice. That meant that I ended up blogging about it before discussing it with my boss. This may seem like a relatively trivial example, but the pattern here is clear and, I think, important: starting out with open communication, suffering trauma, then closing off communication. And the temptation is to give in to the circle, to retreat further away from openness. In this context, that would be shutting down the blog. But that doesn't feel like the right answer. I like being open; it feels better connected to my spiritual essence. The scary truth is that I think what I have to do is really embrace openness. In this context, I should have trusted my job. And if they did the wrong thing and betrayed my trust, well, that would have been on them.
There are other areas of my life where, right now, I am not communicating as openly and truthfully as I could. I don't lie often these days, but like any of us, I definitely hide some of the truth.
Do I have the guts to be truly open?