Today, I went for a walk. The weather was nice, and I decided to just start walking around my neighborhood. I was inspired by a story I read a while back about a guy who walked every single street in San Francisco. I don't know if I'll ever get there, but I had a nice 45 minute walk around my neighborhood. I guess I got started.
I've made no secret of the fact that I've had a crappy month or two. I've talked pretty openly on my blog about a lot of things. I haven't even mentioned some of the small things, like cracking my phone screen again. And some things are too fresh; my bike got stolen this afternoon, for example. That didn't even turn out to be the worst part of the day; I had an even worse thing happen but that part came later, and maybe I'll talk about it on the blog, maybe even tomorrow. But today I don't feel like it.
As I was walking around, on my walk, a feeling started to suddenly come over me. I thought about all the times in my life that shit has really hit the fan. I thought about how things come in groups. I thought about the times I've spent railing against my fate, yelling at the sky or whoever would listen. And suddenly, this phrase just popped right into my head, from somewhere deep down inside. And you'll have to excuse the language, but this is exactly what it said: Fuck it. Fuck all of it. Fuck all the negativity. Just fuck it right in the ear. I am sick and fucking tired of feeling down about things, about my bike, about dating, about being 10 pounds overweight. I'm just 100% balls out sick of being sad about stuff. I just don't want to do it anymore. There are so many things to be happy about: the nice weather, my awesome bluetooth keyboard, the fact that I have a job, my friends, my apartment. There's a lot to complain about, too, but for the first time in a long while I feel like maybe things could head in a positive direction and I will be goddamned if I'm going to spiral down just because some dude felt he needed to steal my bike, or I had to go sit in a room and explain about how I didn't really want to judge some guy for breaking into a car, or a million other little pieces of universe crap. I just really don't want to go there anymore.
And, honestly, it felt really good. It felt good just to walk around the streets. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. It's weird that in the midst of a shitty time I should feel so free, but maybe it takes all of that bull to realize how much I have to be grateful for.
So, I don't know how long that will last. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and feel like hell. Who knows. Maybe it's exercise-induced euphoria. :) We'll find out!
