Today's post is about stress. Over the last few months, I've had a lot of stressful things happen. I had someone I was quite in love with break up with me, then I got just about the sickest I've ever been, then I went through dental hell, and as I write this, I'm standing at a cubbyhole in the Hall of Justice waiting to find out whether I will have to serve on a jury. Ive been called, and a few minutes from now some attorneys are going to ask me a bunch of hard questions that I'm not looking forward to. A lot of change is in the works in my life, and a lot of things have been happening to good friends of mine as well. The point here is not to make anyone feel sorry for me; the point is, I've had a lot of what my old meditation teacher called "opportunities"; specifically, opportunities to see how I've managed to progress in terms of my ability to handle stress. And the verdict is mixed. It's clear that I'm definitely better at handling stress than I used to be. Any one of the things I've gone through in the last couple of months might have been enough to set me on edge in the old days. So hooray for that. But it's just as clear that stress still has a really profound effect on me. No surprise there, I suppose: stress has a profound effect on all of us. But it's still interesting, maybe even disappointing, how much of an effect it has. It's like, even if you see it coming, and even if you've trained yourself to try to deal with it, it still just hits you like a mack truck. It sneaks up on you, too; you find yourself being snippy with someone at work, or not being able to pay attention to a conversation with a good friend. In particular, I find myself really wanting to be alone, to curl up in a ball and just hide from the world. Which sucks, because the world is awesome and there's a lot of really great stuff out there. Most of the bad things that have happened to me are a) not as bad as they seem and b) over with already, so it's crappy that they still linger and keep me from enjoying what's to come. I think the only thing I can honestly do is be kind to myself, to acknowledge that, to some extent, stress and the stress response are just biological facts, things I can't control any more than I can change my height, or women can get rid of their period. It's just part of the human condition.
The question becomes, though, to what extent to live life in such a way as to avoid stress. That is, I could organize my life in a way where avoiding stress is a priority. I haven't really done that; I've been willing to do things like move and change jobs. And in my personal life, I've picked people to date and be friends with, without really making lack of stress a big part of that decision making process. It's not that I seek out stress, it's just that I've been willing to trade stress for other things I want in life. And, in general, I'm happy with that trade. It feels like that's the right answer. But I do find myself continually re-examining that set of priorities. I can see how, as people get older, they get more risk averse, if only because you become so aware of how awful it is to be stressed out. It's bad in the obvious ways, sure, but it's bad in so many little ways too; you don't eat right, you don't sleep well, you make poor life choices, etc., etc.
Sometimes it does make you wonder if it's worth it!