I don't mind admitting that, in addition to being excited, I'm also more than a little terrified. But I couldn't have picked better weather for it, and so away I go!
As I sit here, at Squat and Gobble, contemplating my departure tomorrow, the number one thing that I feel is tired! That may not sound terribly heroic. Perhaps it’s not the word you were expecting. But, at 37 years old, one thing I’ve learned is that life doesn’t always work out exactly the way it does in the movies. I’m definitely happy to be leaving. In a weird way I feel energized. But yes, definitely tired. Physically tired, maybe a bit existentially tired (although not as much as I was expecting). My goal in this blog is going to be - despite the fact that it’s for public consumption - to be as honest as can be. Both because I’m tired of trying to be someone I’m not, and because I honestly think I do my best writing when I’m just balls-to-the-wall honest. So, yes, I’m tired. Today alone I made at least 2 easy mistakes, things I know I would have gotten right if I was sharp and on top of things. I walked into yoga training today and one of my best friends said “you look awfully tired for someone who’s about to start a trip across the country”. But here’s the interesting thing about me - I don’t get tired by athletic activity. On the contrary, I think the athletic part of this journey I’m about to start is the easiest part. In fact I think all this aerobic activity is going to actually give me a lot of energy. What drains me is dealing with people, dealing with anxiety, dealing with the city. Choice, conflict, the little ins and outs of being social - those tire me out. Riding a bike is easy compared to going on a date, no question about it. The road is so linear and open, and the task is so clearly defined. Here I am, here is the road - go that way. Pedal. Pedal slower, pedal faster, go uphill, go downhill - but always forward. Being there is better than being here. The decisions have been made, the die is cast - just go, and go, and be glad. Open the heart and let the wind inside. Nothing could be more simple, or more pleasant. I don’t know what’s going to happen. For all I know, this is my last day ever in San Francisco (although I doubt it, honestly). But I do know where I’m headed. I have a map, and a bike, and a trip to take.
So, yes, I’m tired. I’m excited, but I’m tired. Like a film shot in reverse, I think this trip will recharge my batteries, not drain them. Santa Rosa, here I come! I’ve made a bit of a decision that, even though I”m not entirely ready, I”m going to head to sleep early, since I”m so tired, and sleep in a bit in the morning. I have to - believe it or not - hit up the DMV as my last San Francisco errand in the morning - ugh! But then I’m on my way. I’m really excited about seeing my friend Kate tomorrow - she’ll be my first unofficial mascot.
Can you imagine??!?!
"I'm just tryna get my life right
Cause I gotta be the boss
Gotta get it no matter what the cost"
--Krizz Kaliko, Getcha Life Right
The rumors are all true -- I'm riding my bike across the country. I've dreamed of doing this for quite a long time, and right now is the right time for me. Although I love many things about my life in San Francisco, the journey of self-discovery I started a year or two ago with yoga is not over yet, and the next stage of that journey involves some alone time. But never fear! I will return. And, in the meantime, you can track my progress here and on my Map (link above under Bike Trip). Feel free to email me or Facebook me with the links above.
When: Leaving June 23. Goal is to arrive August 29.
Where: San Francisco, CA via Bend, OR to Walt Disney World, FL, or possibly St. Augustine, FL - it's going to be a game time decision whether I want to hug Mickey or take a dunk in the Atlantic! That's roughly 4500 miles. (give or take!)
I'd like to say thanks to a few people, most notably Ryan Shillington and Versata for giving me a job I can do on the road, Rebecca Chakrin for being the first person I told who didn't try to talk me out of it, Katie Kotiza for being understanding, Jessica McElroy for inspiring me with her own ride (bikingacrossthe.us), the good folks at Apportable for giving me some place to hang out in the meantime, Kate Mintun for putting me up the first night of the trip when I will likely be going crazy, Jason Bowman, my yoga mentor, for the very wise advice to just chill out and take what comes, Cari Leymon, David McEnulty, etc., etc. People have been very supportive and that means a lot to me.
Passport Stamp #7: OMPower, 5:15 OMyoga, Shirley. OMPower is an urban studio which is attempting to brand its blend of spin classes, TRX-style workouts and yoga as "OM". The studio itself looks and feels more like a crossfit studio; pleasant and professional but more functional and urban than spiritual. There is a room full of spin bikes that they use to teach OMcycle classes (I think you get the idea here). OMyoga is their "gentle" yoga class. Honestly the class just felt like a Level 1 Vinyasa class to me. I was prepared for some pretty hardcore yoga a la Planet Granite, but it was basically just a beginner class. Shirley was pleasant enough and the class was fine but it was obvious that she didn't have a ton of teaching experience. There was no adjusting and we repeated a lot of moves for no particularly clear reason. But the studio is clean and comfortable, everyone was very nice, the changing rooms are very modern, and if you happen to be nearby - or if the combination of a studio where you can do both spin and yoga appeals to you - then maybe it's worth giving it a try. If I do go back, it will be for one of their cycling offerings.
good news runners! Based on popular feedback :), running and yoga (Roga? Runga?) is now at 7 am for 60 minutes. Also, I'm test running a Saturday version - same time, same place - Bend SF (www.bendsf.com). As always, 30 minutes of running and 30 minutes of yoga, focused on core and lower body stretching.
Passport Stamp #6: Iyengar Yoga Institute, 5:00 Level 1, Sachiko. The Iyengar Institute is one of the grandaddies of yoga - in the entire United States, if not San Francisco - so I was excited to finally visit. First tip: the Institute has recently moved, and some maps (-ahem- Apple) have the wrong address; the institute is at 2201 Sutter St. The facility is exceptionally nice and clean and modern. As befits an Iyengar studio, there is a plethora of high-quality props, including some you might not expect such as wall ropes. I went with my good friend Alesia. The class was small - 4 of us. Iyengar classes are relentlessly alignment focused; don't expect to break a sweat, but do expect to be humbled. I definitely enjoyed my experience and am looking forward to going back. Two quibbles: one, there are two studios and they're separated by only a thin wall. There was another class going on at the same time as ours in the other studio and I could clearly hear the other teacher and class, which was distracting. Also, Sachiko was very nice and knowledgeable, but had difficulty with english, and specifically with speaking precisely - she would swap shoulder for elbow, front for back, foot for hand, left for right, even up for down. This is a problem for a class which is all about precision and clear instruction. But overall it was an excellent experience and I can't wait to go back!
Passport Stamp #5: Corepower Yoga Berkeley, 4:45 Yoga Sculpt, Ruby. Some of you may be familiar with Corepower, it's a big franchise nationwide, although less so in the Bay area. The class I attended was, as it turns out, one of the most intense they offer. You remember in Spinal Tap how the amps went up to 11? Yeah, like that. Ruby was very pleasant but definitely intense and demanding. Imagine Yoga with about 50% less spirituality, 50% more intensity and a dash of weightlifting (you do many of the moves l. The room was obviously a mixed-use studio; there were spin bikes pushed against the far wall. Although I consider myself to be in fair-to-good shape, the class was beyond my ability level and I had to basically just sit down to avoid passing out at a few spots. Which is not to say it was a bad class - actually I look forward to going back. But it's definitely a "gym vibe" and it was a very challenging class. The studio itself was professional, clean and obviously well-run, and they offer a free first week for new students!
Passport Stamp #4: Laughing Lotus Yoga Center, 4:00 Lotus Flow 2/3, Brima Jah. Laughing Lotus is a mid-size, professionally run studio. There was a nice selection of retail for sale, and there was free tea and cookies! The class was very interesting - it was quite slow and more on the philosophical side. Which isn't to say it was easy - it was quite demanding, just more in a flexibility-increasing way than a Mark Morford/Rusty Wells way. The vibe of laughing lotus is definitely more relaxed and spiritual, as you can see from the decor. If you enjoy getting deep inside your practice but still want to push yourself, I think Laughing Lotus would be a great choice. Although I prefer the more uptempo style in general, I'll definitely be back once in a while to re-center myself.
Passport Stamp #3: Yoga Flow SF Union (formerly Aha Yoga), 3:00 All Levels Flow, Susannah. Very well-taught class. Medium size studio, some retail (women only of course). Two rooms; I took class in the large room which is good size; the small room is awfully small. Only 4 students (but it was 3:00). Fairly intense pace, intense poses. Susannah knows what she's doing. Nice bay windows overlooking Union. One quibble: next class started immediately after our Sivasana; very abrupt ending. Overall definitely a place I would come back to.
Passport Stamp #2: Adhikara yoga. Raquel, level 1-2 alignment flow. Adhikara is a classic "neighborhood" yoga studio: small, friendly, the kind of place where the teacher is also the secretary, janitor and salesperson. An interesting counterpoint to the Yoga Tree Castro studio across the street. Class was well taught and interesting, although definitely on the slow and peaceful side - not a great choice if you want to sweat. There were only two of us as students so Raquel gave us plenty of individual attention. The space is small but pleasant, well lit and obviously new; apparently it's only been there since November. One thing I want to try out is their Neighborhood Acupuncture program combining a bit of yoga and meditation with acupuncture.
This is the first post of a series. I recently picked up a really cool card called the Passport to Prana - google it - that gives you a free class at each of 51 different studios in the Bay area. My plan is to visit every single one over the next year and take a picture of each along with a quick review/write up! If anyone cares to join me on one of my jaunts just let me know! http://www.passporttoprana.com/
Passport Stamp #1: Red Dragon Yoga, Mill Valley. Power Yoga, Wendy. Report: All levels class my ass! Wendy crushed us. This was a serious Vinyasa class with a strength theme. Half moon straight to eagle hands standing half splits to Warrior III, all in a hot room. Nice staff, interesting retail clothing selection. One yoga room which is small but pleasant. Mirrors on every walls because they also do Bikram classes; had a definite Bikram-esque feel. Clientele was young and fit. Definitely a pleasant place to do yoga as long as you're good with working up a sweat.
As some of you may know, the way I arrived at Yoga was by discovering that my distance running practice was making my body feel tired and my joints hurt. Pivoting to Yoga not only improved my overall health and happiness, I truly believe it saved my running career - especially in the long term. I'd like to share some of what I've learned with all of you, and build up a community of like minded runner-yogis who are interested in making both activities are part of their daily life. To that end, in conjunction with Bend SF yoga studio, I've started a class which combines a 5K with a 45 minute yoga class, to get your day off to the right start! If you're interested, please contact me or go ahead and sign up here!
Eating in San Francisco is expensive enough as it is! If, like me, you're giving Gluten Free a try - and I recommend you do - here's an article I really liked with some tips to get the cost down to a reasonable level.
http://www.care2.com/causes/7-ways-to-go-gluten-free-on-a-budget.html
Or...Does It?
I am typing this from inside a Jack in the Box. The smell of a fresh Supreme Croissant is wafting up from the table before me, perched next to my keyboard, still half contained in the wrapper, peeking out coyly. In a few moments I will have eaten it, washed down with some delicious aspartame-enhanced Diet Coke, dispensed from a growling machine. I come here most mornings, and give an enormous, faceless corporation $4.88 of my money to feed me Sysco bacon and non-diary imitation cheese. From any perspective, the list of sins of this experience is long. Vegetarians and Vegans would no doubt scold me for consuming a living animal. Any nutritionist worth their salt would recoil in horror from the fat and salt, not to mention the ingredient list. Organic food devotees would probably just lose their lunch (fava beans, raised locally). Local food and slow food activists are probably already gathering to picket outside.
I am not thumbing my nose at these believers. I have been a Vegetarian before. I run marathons and study nutrition and believe wholeheartedly in a balanced diet. I'm a fan of buying and eating locally. And I'm as suspicious of GMOs as any quality San Franciscan would be.
So, why, then? What's going on? Am I living a lie? Unable to face my demons, am I simply succumbing to my base desires? Am I just a creature of habit?
Am I…a bad person?
I have, at times, fought my desire to eat fast food. I threw every argument in the book at myself. I looked at my Dad, a bit too paunch around the middle, and convinced myself I was headed for pot-bellied doom. I told myself my marathon times would suffer. I experienced some success here and there, especially during running season. I, in fact, stopped eating fast food for 4 or 5 months. I was miserable, slogging through mornings of cereal and fruit. One day, bags under my eyes, I gazed at myself in the shaving mirror and realized: I hate this. The emotion was so strong, I told myself I was a bad Yogi; a bad meditator; maybe, a bad person. I felt lousy about myself.
What is the right answer? Should I clamp down on my own behavior, keeping a tight grip on myself to ensure I never slip, hate myself for every failure, never trusting or loving myself enough to let go for even a moment? Or, should I give up, enjoy the immediate pleasure of gorging myself on fast food, and then hate myself every time I look in the mirror?
No. Both of these paths are founded on hate, mistrust, regret, fear. I reject them and choose love for myself. I choose the third path, the path of love, of patience, of kindness. I love myself enough to eat the Supreme Croissant when I really, really want one. But I also love myself enough to leave off the cheese. I love myself enough to order the chocolate shake - but I also love myself enough to get the small, and to go running first. I love myself enough to trust that I will make the right choices. And the more I let go, the less anxiety I feel, and an interesting thing happens - my desire to eat fast food lessens. It never goes away completely, because eating salt and fat is part of who I am. It was part of my childhood. It makes me feel safe (laugh if you want, but it does). But now, when I do eat fast food, I'm eating what I really want to eat, not what my anxiety pushes me to consume to make me feel whole.
There is a lesson here for anyone trying to lose weight, quit smoking, finish that dissertation, whatever it is: the more you hate, the more you fail. When you try to pile up enough hate to succeed, you are like a man in a desert trying to fashion a drink of water out of more and more sand. You cannot hate yourself enough to succeed at tasks like these - not in the long run, at least. So, when self-deprivation feels like self-hate, it's not the right path. But, at the same time, when indulgence feels like self-loathing, it's also time to stop. When you reach for that cigarette, or that double cheeseburger, do so mindfully, fully aware and accepting of the present. Enjoy it fully. When you're halfway done, check in with yourself - do you need the second half? Could you maybe be happy with just putting out that light, or throwing away the second half? If the answer is no, then keep going - if yes, put it down. Depending on who you are, you may just find yourself wanting it less and less, and perhaps eventually you'll really quit. Or maybe you won't.
But at least you won't hate yourself.
P.S. I'm not, actually, a Buddhist; just a fan of the principles and precepts. But it made for a nicer title.